I've been a figment so long I forgot that eventually I have to be real again...
(I took this down, but i think I'll put it back up... and it'll eventually be finished... I needed more time to think on the rest of it... check back later.)
Last night, an old high school buddy caught up with me. In our catching up, we talked about the others we knew from then and what they're doing now. Most have continued or have already finished their studies. A few (like my friend) have been married and divorced and have little ones. Most have moved to NY (apparently where everyone in South Florida moves to) and are working or going to schools that have names you recognize.
I on the other hand have just kinda putzed around. I've lived all over the country due to circumstances and being a sheep. I've never been married, never wanted to. Ive loved deeply and I've lost loves to death, to ill mental health, to work, to conventionality, to other women. I've been an experience whore who battles with being a severe homebody. I've posed nude (and have the pictures to prove it.) I've seen sights and heard sounds that defy explanation. I've learned plant names and got my hands dirty and cleaned out a pond. I've hiked a mile and a half in the middle of the night to see the city lights from hunter's point. I worked with horses. I've fallen in love with mountain biking. I've driven the country by MYSELF! (And once made the drive from Tucson to Dallas, a 19-hour drive, in 14 hours.) I can street race my vehicle. I've read a lot of books, mostly science. I know massage therapy. I moved across the country for someone I thought was worth it and moved back because he wasnt. I got an a+ in my Human Sexuality course. (Other than that I carry a 3.1 gpa for my college course work) Ive walked the beach in the middle of the night to watch the Sea Turtles lay eggs. Ive watched the sun rise over the ocean. I've written a comic book. I can run a coffee shop with my eyes closed. Ive learned how to game. I got involved in a cult. And then got out of it. I've lived my life and am fighting to remember to maintain awareness and overcome what I see are shortcomings in my person.
I've never wanted to be conventional; it was never part of my value system. I've always valued personality and style and class of an individual above material wealth, status, job title, prestige etc. I enjoy planting and maintaining my own garden and getting help with the parts I don't know about rather than hiring someone to do it for me. I've wanted to own not more than I need, nor less. Ive wanted to value others instead of things. The time that is spend on something, on learning a skill, on being a quality character. I want to build my own house, not have someone build it for me.
I was not always successful at this. I've made choices that I wish I hadn't of made. I've done things I've regretted. It HAPPENS! It's LIFE. I've learned and am continuing to learn from the world.
One could argue that Ive run through life and away from life. Theyd probably be right. Im not proficient in anything specific; Ive not finished anything. I tend to leave in the middle of it all. Im quiet and spend most of my time with other people listening to them and observing as opposed to talking. I get bored very easily and am usually not in it for the long haul. Ive only maintained my own residence for short periods of time, returning to the nest when the water started getting up to my head and I was drowning. I think this is because self-sufficiency has never been my goal. Its an idea that Ive come across only recently. Mostly its been out of my reach financially. I think thats part of why the possibility was never a reality. I think another part of it is that Im tight with my folks. Weve been uprooted from everything and so my roots are with each other as opposed to a location. When all my friends jump ship and abandon me then I know I can always come home. Its kinda like the statement of the more I know about people, the more I like my cat.
to be continued...
on a different note
All of the posts fromt he last few days have really weirded me out. I'm not used to being liked for anything other than a hot body, or baring my soul or getting flowers. (of all things, I Think the flowers wierded me out the most) I have fabric arriving soon with another bunch of goodies. I don't understand. I've never been showered with gifts before or had soemone like me like this that I liked back. All of it scares me and I want to hightail it to the high country and back woods and not come back for a long time...
(I took this down, but i think I'll put it back up... and it'll eventually be finished... I needed more time to think on the rest of it... check back later.)
Last night, an old high school buddy caught up with me. In our catching up, we talked about the others we knew from then and what they're doing now. Most have continued or have already finished their studies. A few (like my friend) have been married and divorced and have little ones. Most have moved to NY (apparently where everyone in South Florida moves to) and are working or going to schools that have names you recognize.
I on the other hand have just kinda putzed around. I've lived all over the country due to circumstances and being a sheep. I've never been married, never wanted to. Ive loved deeply and I've lost loves to death, to ill mental health, to work, to conventionality, to other women. I've been an experience whore who battles with being a severe homebody. I've posed nude (and have the pictures to prove it.) I've seen sights and heard sounds that defy explanation. I've learned plant names and got my hands dirty and cleaned out a pond. I've hiked a mile and a half in the middle of the night to see the city lights from hunter's point. I worked with horses. I've fallen in love with mountain biking. I've driven the country by MYSELF! (And once made the drive from Tucson to Dallas, a 19-hour drive, in 14 hours.) I can street race my vehicle. I've read a lot of books, mostly science. I know massage therapy. I moved across the country for someone I thought was worth it and moved back because he wasnt. I got an a+ in my Human Sexuality course. (Other than that I carry a 3.1 gpa for my college course work) Ive walked the beach in the middle of the night to watch the Sea Turtles lay eggs. Ive watched the sun rise over the ocean. I've written a comic book. I can run a coffee shop with my eyes closed. Ive learned how to game. I got involved in a cult. And then got out of it. I've lived my life and am fighting to remember to maintain awareness and overcome what I see are shortcomings in my person.
I've never wanted to be conventional; it was never part of my value system. I've always valued personality and style and class of an individual above material wealth, status, job title, prestige etc. I enjoy planting and maintaining my own garden and getting help with the parts I don't know about rather than hiring someone to do it for me. I've wanted to own not more than I need, nor less. Ive wanted to value others instead of things. The time that is spend on something, on learning a skill, on being a quality character. I want to build my own house, not have someone build it for me.
I was not always successful at this. I've made choices that I wish I hadn't of made. I've done things I've regretted. It HAPPENS! It's LIFE. I've learned and am continuing to learn from the world.
One could argue that Ive run through life and away from life. Theyd probably be right. Im not proficient in anything specific; Ive not finished anything. I tend to leave in the middle of it all. Im quiet and spend most of my time with other people listening to them and observing as opposed to talking. I get bored very easily and am usually not in it for the long haul. Ive only maintained my own residence for short periods of time, returning to the nest when the water started getting up to my head and I was drowning. I think this is because self-sufficiency has never been my goal. Its an idea that Ive come across only recently. Mostly its been out of my reach financially. I think thats part of why the possibility was never a reality. I think another part of it is that Im tight with my folks. Weve been uprooted from everything and so my roots are with each other as opposed to a location. When all my friends jump ship and abandon me then I know I can always come home. Its kinda like the statement of the more I know about people, the more I like my cat.
to be continued...
on a different note
All of the posts fromt he last few days have really weirded me out. I'm not used to being liked for anything other than a hot body, or baring my soul or getting flowers. (of all things, I Think the flowers wierded me out the most) I have fabric arriving soon with another bunch of goodies. I don't understand. I've never been showered with gifts before or had soemone like me like this that I liked back. All of it scares me and I want to hightail it to the high country and back woods and not come back for a long time...
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~cheers