Letters from today. I'm fucking glowing... really. i'm happy
::This one may be a bit deep, so read on at your own risk:::
(I'm also tempted to take it down, btu I think I'll leave it up... - June 9th 2005)
addressed to me:
Wow my dear. The numbers of ways that you make my head spin seem to be more, and more unlimited the more that I talk to you. I am walking around this place today with a smile and a longing to be nearer to you; not just in body, but in mind as well. The more I find out, the more I want. I hope that this continues like this on and on, and that we both continue to feed on each others thoughts and dreams.
Sometimes, you ask questions that will take a good bit of emotional explaining to answer. I often have problems answering these for a multitude of reasons. I don't want to chase you off by being too forward and, I do not want to make you feel pressured. I want you to make the decisions that are best for what you want, whether they involve me, or not.
This does not mean that I do not desire it. Sometimes I think that you want to hear me say it. Sometimes I want to. It is a weird place for me to be. It is very possible that through my past relationships, I have built my own walls that are hindering the way I talk to you about how I feel, or what I want. I do think that it is best that way. If we continue, and we want to be together, then we will, and there is nothing that can stop that, except for us.
I spend a lot of my day working, getting my tasks done. I think of what could happen if things went one way or the other. I think of you, in many ways. I am a definite daydreamer with a vivid imagination. I like that about myself. I dream of you a lot lately, sometimes it's just about our conversations, sometimes it is just about a night out together. I wonder what would happen if we joined the likes of the Peace Corps together and what we might see, where we might be able to go. I think of taking you to many of my favorite places in the mountains of my home. I dream of touching you; your hand, pulling it around me. I want my hand in the small of your back, pulling you to me, I want your hair against my face (short or long). (Going to stop that here before I am being bad)
I hope that you have a good morning and that smiles fill your day.
Yours, Me
To him
You,
I think the better question is, what are you doing to me? I have never in my life been so taken off guard by anyone. I've found someone who challenges me, intrigues me, pokes at my accepted existence, and gives me cause to believe in the possibility of hope and love. He's a goofball and makes me smile and laugh. I like him, appreciate him and care about him and he turns me on and makes me melt. All without specifically trying to.
I am not the same person I was two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago, I was completely jaded, hidden in my little walls, giving foofoo answers to everyone about whatever the topic was. You really couldn't get me riled up about the cost of living in America or housing costs to the working poor, South Floridas society, the slavery that exists down here, the fact that the coffee was cold, that NO ONE gives a hoot about going outside and playing, that no one reads books anymore, much less uses their cerebellum for anything aside from filling their skulls, the idiots that walk around thinking they're all that because they have this toy or that toy, not remembering that clothes (or toys) do not make the man (so to say). Nothing would rile me or upset me. I was a pretty face that didn't say anything and one knew because they never saw.
And then came you. I hated it at first because you wanted to know me. And then you actually liked me. (That really scared me) Then you shared yourself with me, which reminded me that there's an entire world out there beyond my castle walls. I hated and loved you for this. It showed me what a self-indulgent brat I was being, hiding away, not caring about anyone or anything aside from a select few. Not trusting the world or anything in it. Not believing that I mattered, or could be trusted or cared about (much less loved). That step of you showing yourself to me, gave me cause to kinda trust the world again, to come out of my shell and play, be it sunny or rainy.
Sitting and writing this letter is hard. It's exposing, I feel naked, or more so actually. It's a bare-ing of the soul as opposed to the body. Bodies are bodies; not wearing clothes can be fun. The soul is much more venerable. If you're killed, that's it. You die. However, a broken heart and a wounded soul, you have to live with. I wonder one day if saying all of this will come back to bite me. (It's easy to want to retreat back into my walls. Being out here is hard. It's dangerous, it's not safe. There's going to be pain, simply because there's no wall to stop it before it hits.)
So I sit here and ask myself, "Who is this man who can show me what trust is again??? And who am I to believe him?"
(Ive learned that not all questions that I ask really need answering. This has come from years of experience at asking the who, what, when where and why questions. My favorite has tended to be why. And what the origin of something is, and why it still exists in the way it does. Ive learned that I dont always want to know. And yet, sometimes I do want to know and am afraid of what the answers will in fact be to my questions of what are you chuckling about? or Whatcha thinking? or explain that please You dont always have to answer, though I like that you do.)
You share with me your daydreams about wanting to be near me, not only in body, but in mind as well, to steal me away for a week or two, hold my hand and meander about town It makes my heart flutter and I want to share those experiences with you. I want to do those things with you and more.
At the same time, I think in disbelief that if you only knew youd take off and not come back. Today, I shared with you that part of me didnt believe in love, and I heard your disappointment in that. It pained me to tell it, but more so to hear the hurt in your voice after. I shared with you because I felt you needed to know that part of me. You had to know what you were dealing with. Somehow it didnt scare you off. You recovered, thought about it and arent scared off, Instead, youre still wanting to be near, to know more and steal me away for a bit. (Im amazed.)
As I reread your letter, I realize how foolish all of my hesitating sounds. I love what youve written, how you speak, and your honesty about everything. When we speak the sound of your voice makes me soften and I want to curl up next to you and snuggle into you as we share with each other. I like giving you reasons for those gigantic grins that last for hours. I like that I turn you on and that you stop telling me about it at I want my hand in the small of your back, pulling you to me, I want your hair against my face I like your daydreams and your scheming. I like that youre patient and not at the same time, that youre excited about life and the world, that you like making me smile and surprising the shit outta me. That you don't think the org is the end all to end all and that you're nice to the children. I like that you have a big heart for little things. I like how you offhandedly call me, my love, dearest, loves. I like that youre a crazy person, whos not afraid of life. I think I just like you. A lot.
Kisses and love,
Figment
::This one may be a bit deep, so read on at your own risk:::
(I'm also tempted to take it down, btu I think I'll leave it up... - June 9th 2005)
addressed to me:
Wow my dear. The numbers of ways that you make my head spin seem to be more, and more unlimited the more that I talk to you. I am walking around this place today with a smile and a longing to be nearer to you; not just in body, but in mind as well. The more I find out, the more I want. I hope that this continues like this on and on, and that we both continue to feed on each others thoughts and dreams.
Sometimes, you ask questions that will take a good bit of emotional explaining to answer. I often have problems answering these for a multitude of reasons. I don't want to chase you off by being too forward and, I do not want to make you feel pressured. I want you to make the decisions that are best for what you want, whether they involve me, or not.
This does not mean that I do not desire it. Sometimes I think that you want to hear me say it. Sometimes I want to. It is a weird place for me to be. It is very possible that through my past relationships, I have built my own walls that are hindering the way I talk to you about how I feel, or what I want. I do think that it is best that way. If we continue, and we want to be together, then we will, and there is nothing that can stop that, except for us.
I spend a lot of my day working, getting my tasks done. I think of what could happen if things went one way or the other. I think of you, in many ways. I am a definite daydreamer with a vivid imagination. I like that about myself. I dream of you a lot lately, sometimes it's just about our conversations, sometimes it is just about a night out together. I wonder what would happen if we joined the likes of the Peace Corps together and what we might see, where we might be able to go. I think of taking you to many of my favorite places in the mountains of my home. I dream of touching you; your hand, pulling it around me. I want my hand in the small of your back, pulling you to me, I want your hair against my face (short or long). (Going to stop that here before I am being bad)
I hope that you have a good morning and that smiles fill your day.
Yours, Me
To him
You,
I think the better question is, what are you doing to me? I have never in my life been so taken off guard by anyone. I've found someone who challenges me, intrigues me, pokes at my accepted existence, and gives me cause to believe in the possibility of hope and love. He's a goofball and makes me smile and laugh. I like him, appreciate him and care about him and he turns me on and makes me melt. All without specifically trying to.
I am not the same person I was two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago, I was completely jaded, hidden in my little walls, giving foofoo answers to everyone about whatever the topic was. You really couldn't get me riled up about the cost of living in America or housing costs to the working poor, South Floridas society, the slavery that exists down here, the fact that the coffee was cold, that NO ONE gives a hoot about going outside and playing, that no one reads books anymore, much less uses their cerebellum for anything aside from filling their skulls, the idiots that walk around thinking they're all that because they have this toy or that toy, not remembering that clothes (or toys) do not make the man (so to say). Nothing would rile me or upset me. I was a pretty face that didn't say anything and one knew because they never saw.
And then came you. I hated it at first because you wanted to know me. And then you actually liked me. (That really scared me) Then you shared yourself with me, which reminded me that there's an entire world out there beyond my castle walls. I hated and loved you for this. It showed me what a self-indulgent brat I was being, hiding away, not caring about anyone or anything aside from a select few. Not trusting the world or anything in it. Not believing that I mattered, or could be trusted or cared about (much less loved). That step of you showing yourself to me, gave me cause to kinda trust the world again, to come out of my shell and play, be it sunny or rainy.
Sitting and writing this letter is hard. It's exposing, I feel naked, or more so actually. It's a bare-ing of the soul as opposed to the body. Bodies are bodies; not wearing clothes can be fun. The soul is much more venerable. If you're killed, that's it. You die. However, a broken heart and a wounded soul, you have to live with. I wonder one day if saying all of this will come back to bite me. (It's easy to want to retreat back into my walls. Being out here is hard. It's dangerous, it's not safe. There's going to be pain, simply because there's no wall to stop it before it hits.)
So I sit here and ask myself, "Who is this man who can show me what trust is again??? And who am I to believe him?"
(Ive learned that not all questions that I ask really need answering. This has come from years of experience at asking the who, what, when where and why questions. My favorite has tended to be why. And what the origin of something is, and why it still exists in the way it does. Ive learned that I dont always want to know. And yet, sometimes I do want to know and am afraid of what the answers will in fact be to my questions of what are you chuckling about? or Whatcha thinking? or explain that please You dont always have to answer, though I like that you do.)
You share with me your daydreams about wanting to be near me, not only in body, but in mind as well, to steal me away for a week or two, hold my hand and meander about town It makes my heart flutter and I want to share those experiences with you. I want to do those things with you and more.
At the same time, I think in disbelief that if you only knew youd take off and not come back. Today, I shared with you that part of me didnt believe in love, and I heard your disappointment in that. It pained me to tell it, but more so to hear the hurt in your voice after. I shared with you because I felt you needed to know that part of me. You had to know what you were dealing with. Somehow it didnt scare you off. You recovered, thought about it and arent scared off, Instead, youre still wanting to be near, to know more and steal me away for a bit. (Im amazed.)
As I reread your letter, I realize how foolish all of my hesitating sounds. I love what youve written, how you speak, and your honesty about everything. When we speak the sound of your voice makes me soften and I want to curl up next to you and snuggle into you as we share with each other. I like giving you reasons for those gigantic grins that last for hours. I like that I turn you on and that you stop telling me about it at I want my hand in the small of your back, pulling you to me, I want your hair against my face I like your daydreams and your scheming. I like that youre patient and not at the same time, that youre excited about life and the world, that you like making me smile and surprising the shit outta me. That you don't think the org is the end all to end all and that you're nice to the children. I like that you have a big heart for little things. I like how you offhandedly call me, my love, dearest, loves. I like that youre a crazy person, whos not afraid of life. I think I just like you. A lot.
Kisses and love,
Figment
oh, and I will take that as a compliment, because strangeness is relative to your idea of normalcy
[Edited on Jun 07, 2005 11:55PM]