faye

I had a long talk today,
With a dear old friend.

It made me think things I've been trying to think for so long.

She knows me better than anyone.
She knows everything.
All the secrets, she sees inside my soul.

She told me I was on the wrong path but with the right intentions.
So we made an overview.
She let me stand outide myself and my life so that I could look back in.

Now I know art school isn't the place for me.
I guess I knew it never really was, as did she.
There are so many things that I love about it.
It gave me so much drive to be the best and so much work came out of my little body of creativity that year.
However...as she put it, "you weren't the best student but you were the best artist" Which until that year wasn't like me...I was always the best student. I don't do things to fail at them.

However...

Once upon at time in art school...I was the little girl with the all the talent. The little girl who had already found her own style and meaning. The little girl who knew everything about why she made art. I was the little one with the big mouth who didn't let anyone tell her differently. And because I was this girl who dared to do my projects with my own vision instead of the vision giving to me by my professors. I wasn't the best student.I listened to everything and took it in but instead of applying it the way they saw fit I applied it to everything I already knew and the style I had already found. They weren't able to "unmold" what I had already molded my talent into. Which didn't please them at all.

So she asked me..."why would it be any different this time around?" And I knew instantly that it wouldn't.

I felt so selfish then, for being bitter this entire time.


We continued our talk...she inspired me as always.
I told her everything just like i always do.
She always seems to know just want to say or how to explain things to me so that I understand.

I told her that lately I was frustrated with people in my life. She smiled sweetly at me as if thinking to herself, I expected no less from you. She told me that there was nothing for me here. Everyone I know is too immature for me which is why I always find myself backing away from people before their storms. She reassured me that most of the things I think, while they shouldn't necessarily be said are most likely always right. However, this will always leave me lonely.

We ended our chat with this conclusion.


I don't know what I want but I know I don't want this.

I need to move.
And I think I have a little place in mind.


Whenever I doubt myself, she always picks me back up.
I love this woman more than anything.

PS - And even though I was too scared to tell her earlier...while we were talking and she mentioned that most people who have horrible mothers usually find someone else within their life to be that figure for them...that it was sad that I had found no one....

It Was Her