faye

I don't expect you to read this, so just pass it by.
I just needed to talk.

Sooooooo....today sucked the most ass EVER.

My mom packed up my brothers shit, picked him up at school and dropped him off at my dads tellinghim he's no longer welcome in our house.....WTF! Out of nowhere.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pissed right now.

This is all over her new mother fucking boyfriend.
For the past four years she's been choosing her boyfriends over her family. Not very bright if you ask me. She's going to have no one left then when things fall apart on her she'll have no one to turn to.

When my grampa died my nanny sold her house and gave her kids their inheritance early. She decided to move in with us and us the left over money from her house to fix ours up and refinish the basement into an apartment for herself. While all the work was being done my mom started dating John and by the time the work was done my mom had moved him in and moved my nanny out. Where she basically had no place to go. I WAS PISSED. I love my nanny so much and I think that was utterly disrespectful to her. Let alone what it did to our family. The guy was an asshole and always fought with my brother and I, mistreated my mom and never had a motherfucking job.

She left him...and I was so proud of her, but then shortly after she started dating Paul. They had been dating for a month before she told us he would be moving in. We both had talks with her and told her how upset we were about it.

I told her if he moved in as soon as the summer was over and I had the money I was moving across the country.

She chose to move him in anyways.

Honestly I was already gone. She didn't want me when I was born and over the 21 years I've been alive nothing has changed that. I've learned to live with it but honestly I can't fucking bail her out of her situations anymore. Once I'm gone I don't even want to hear from her.

What makes me mad though, is that she was close to my brother when he was little. My brother and I were happy when she told us that herself and my dad were separating because they weren't good together. We saw that as a sign that things were goign to get better when things only got worse.

She has problems, seriously...she doesn't know how to be by herself and always chooses men that she has to take care of. Men who are alcoholics and who are unemployed...GREAT JOB MOM!

What gets me the most though...is that we've told her the entire time...over and over again...POINT BLANK...how we feel and how her actions effect us but she brushes if off saying that we don't want her to be happy. Which isn't it at all!

We don't give two flying FUCKS about who the fuck she sleeps with or "dates". But that also doesn't mean that they have to live with us. Honestly I think that when she told us about the separation from our dad we were both excited because we thought we would get to have a family again. Or for the first time depending on how you look at it. But it didn't happen.

All we really want, is a family or at least a foundation. My brother misses her a lot. He acts out because of it. Because he honestly doesn't think she cares. And I felt the same way about her while I was his age.

All she has ever done is push us away to try to find her own happiness. She doesn't listen or even give a shit about what we think or feel. And it's sad. Honestly it is, and it's pathedic for so many reasons. Here we are, standing here, waiting for and wanting her to love us. Even just a little bit...and she passes it up time and time again.

She's losing her family and I don't think she realizes it.

My brother is cool with living at my dad's for the summer. Once school is done he's going to get a job. I'm going to get a second job...hopefully midnights at a factory so I can serve the dinner rush then walk across the street to pack boxes. That way I'll make enough money for both us to move and he'll make enough money to stay at my dads.

Time to grow up once again...I've been playing the kid for too long and having too much, life findally noticed and kicked me in the ass yet again.

I'm sad for so many reasons.

I'm sad that he feels the way he does. So unloved and unwanted. My mother just gave up on everything he is today and I know he feels that. No one should ever feel that.

I sad because for so long I've tried to keep this family together but nothing has worked. Everything I've rebuilt just falls to rubble again and again. I can't keep fixing my mothers messes for her.

I'm sad that this is what it's come to.

I love my brother and I would never leave him...but I'm sad because again...this means that I wont get to go to school. Whcih is something I've always worked towards and just never ends up becoming a reality for me.

I feel bad...because I feel like my mother has taken away so much of each of our lives, stuff that we will never get back and we hate her for it.

Honestly...if you don't WANT children.
Then don't have them......
I mean, if your not ready to love someone else and put yourself second (not so much in my case but my brothers case) then why even let that thought cross your mind.

None of this even makes sense to me.
All I know is that I'm the one that has to fix it.

...fuck life for all it's bullshit and disappointments...

and to the one who told me to always choose to be happy
..........today was just not the day my heart is broken right now
...maybe tomorrow never forget that I love you