faye

***UPDATE***

WHAT THE FUCK!!! SERIOUSLY WHAT THE F-IN FUCK.
You people need to wake the hell up!!!!!!!!!
The other day, I'm here I'm just roaming around, commenting back to people and whatnot I hit a new jounral entry for someone on my friends list and all I see is this GIANT picture of all these cuts on the side of their stomach.
And instantly I started to cry because I used to be like that myself. I couldn't deal with it. I didn't write back because I had no words I didn't know what to say at all. I just felt overwhelmed and literally I had to take a break, just go into my bedroom and chill.

NOW...today I'm doing the same thing and someone else has done the same thing...and now I'm just fucking pissed. Maybe it's because I just don't fucking understand...I mean WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? Do you think that makes you cool? Well no, it doesn't...and if it's just something you tried to see what it's like, stop now before it gets obsessive. I'm not saying that you're not hurting, I'm not saying that it doesn't make you feel better but people cover habits with habits all the time and I'm telling you straight up leave this one the fuck alone.

The main reason I don't understand and am mad is because in a way it seems fake to me well one persons did anyways...because I know when I was like that all the hurt and the shit I felt was on the inside, I didn't tell anyone shit about ANYTHING and they were always in places where I could hide them so no one would see. The reason why it's fake is because you don't do that and go out flashing them around to people....like HEY look at me, look what I can do. I'm huring come shower me with affection...and I can tell you because of personal experience and having known other people who have been in the same spot that it's not something you flash around. It's something you die to hide. In a way it's almost like your mocking people who actually do have problems with this and I am truthfully NOT IMPRESSED AT ALL.

***************************************************

I am always trapped within myself....I've never had a sense of just being "ok", there are always conflicts, emotions pulling, tearing ripping.

I...was that person in highschool that didn't say a word about who I was. I was there, I knew people and I went through the motions. But everything inside me, everything that ran through my veins remained there...for no one to see. It was strange though...because I waited there. In the dark, in my own little corner, knowing, all that I was and all that I could be. I waited, for a chance....or to be discovered.

I still feel like that in so many ways....

But maybe it's my fault, maybe I misrepresent myself?
There are very few people in the world who know the actual me. Very few people who know the past and see the entire picture. Most people who are my friends even, know the fun me, they know the smiles and the giggles. They know the bright eyes and the one dimple. That is my fault though...because that's what I show them. If I showed them anything else, I think I would scare them away. Everything dark about me I keep inside and in a way it eats at me.

Once you've had depression...been in that state...I don't think it ever really goes away. You slip in and out easily...but it's always there. It's always under your skin. Like black cells running through your veins. As you slip from further from happiness they multiply....they turn into a tar like substance and begin to cover all your organs. Eating...nawing at them slowly until it takes you over.

I got my book...out of my frozen ass mailbox. And I was reading the message about how suicidegirls started. Reading about Missy and her vision...a vision that I realize as well. Not exactly I'm not saying that...but I paint women, the womean I see fit to paint and view as beautiful. After reading all this...not that I would have ever expected it to be different...but I want to be a suicidegirl even more. Because in so many ways I relate. And in a way I feel like this is in me to do...like all this stuff I've been trying to do with art and whatnot Missy did in a different way. I don't even really know what I'm saying right now, and I'm probably blabbering on and on....however I can tell you this....

I was rejected I got my email yesturday I think, maybe the day before....but I'm going to apply again. After I got that email I told a friend I probably wouldn't post in PSW again...but now I think I will. I want to contribute to this site as much as I can. I know I'm not great and amazing I would never pretend to be. But like I said before....I was always the one in the dark little corner waiting to be realized, PSW is hardly a dark little corner a lot of the girls there are beautiful but maybe I just have to wait a little longer.

I was born full of hope for a reason. It's something that no one can take away from me. No matter what happens...no matter how upset I get. I always calm down, and I'm right back at it....how do I fix it, how do I get it, what do I need to do?


I like this picture I think it's pretty....