faye

This is going to be the longest vent EVER...so really you might just want to skip past this one and move on to all the other people you have bookmarked.

I'm going crazy....it's 3:04am and I've been working and packing shit all day...I'm TIRED!!! I want sleep but I have so many things on my mind.....

Like....Ty, I know I know but seriously...that boy is amazing. It's not just the whole meet someone that likes you and treats you right deal with him....he's seriously amazing. I see everything in him that I don't see in everyone else. I miss him. I know we're only being friends but I even miss that since he started his stupid new job and we have completely different scheduals.

I miss him like crazy...I miss his little jokes and how comfy I feel with him. I miss the little way he smirks when he blushes. The way he trips over his own feet and keeps walking pretending I didn't notice. (Even though I'm walking right beside him giggling) I miss his huggs and his smell (Swiss Army god damn very boy needs to buy that!) I miss his cuddles....the way he protects me from everything even though I'm grown up. He never lets me go anywhere by myself because he thinks I'll get mugged. The way he tells all his friends they can't smoke in his house because I'm there and when they do smoke pot be makes sure they turn on the fan and sit beside the open window. They way I get butterflies every single time I see him....and the way the flutter really hard when he touches me or looks me in the eye. I miss the stupid ass smile I get when he tells me I look pretty or that I have nice eyes.....this is stupid you're not suppose to think these things about people who are impossible for you to have.

But no matter how hard I try to get over him...I lay in bed at night and I see that day where we were cuddling so close and I felt so warm...I was laying on my tummy and he was rubbing my back really lightly, tracing the wings of my faery. I looked up and he just smiled so slightly and crushed my hair out of my face...I don't understand this whole love thing. No one I fall for ever feels the same and even if by some miracle they do there is something that keeps us apart. I don't care if he's mine or not as long as he's there...as long as I get to know him, get to see him and talk to him. He deserves such an amazing girl, more amazing than I even hope to become.

I don't know what to do though...seriously I don't have this feeling with anyone I know right now and it bothers me. I hate this whole dating thing...I just started and already I've had enough. I've had enough of guys expecting WAY the fuck too much......first one I was SOOO excited about, my firefighter (how sexy is that ladies?? HELL YEAH!) he was so hot....god damn him he was awesome we had such a great time, made out but didn't call me back because I wouldn't go all the way. BOO TO HIM! The second the guy forgot his wallet so I had to pay for everything and he was so awkward he couldn't even hold a conversation with me. The third...all the guy wanted was sex we had nothing in common and he talked about sports the whole time. FUCK THAT!

I want a boyfriend though, not something CRAZY serious but someone to have fun with and take me to the zoo...LOVE THE ZOO!...someone to cuddle and watch movies with and just have fun with. Really is that too much to ask? Seriously though I hardly meet anyone normal, no one talks to me or thinks I'm cute...everyone is just friends. Anyone who wants to be more is super creepy (super creepy Dave guy from work HELLO!)

AND this whole I don't even know what to call it...sleeping around thing....
BLAH!! In so many ways I don't get it. Because I'm the kind of girl who needs more. I need to know you care as pathedic as that sounds I want it to be more than just a quick fuck...I like the foreplay and the sex and the sleeping afterwards. I like the attention really...the holding hands and people calling me baby. Yes I know that's pathedic too...it's so true though, I'm such a girl in that way.
Lately though, I've been talking to people who do it, and who have no shame in it....and lately maybe it's because of the stress with all that's going on but whatever I fuckin need to get laid. Not nice sensual sex laid but fucking aggressive, bite my neck make me scream do me from behind laid. I just can't bring myself to do it though...part of it is because really I only have so many people I think about in that way and I can't have any of them! So it totally ruins the fun, and I don't want to just sleep with someone who doesn't turn me on just for the fun of it...because it's just empty...I am so confused about everything right now as you can tell.

I know that there is like fucking, sex and making love. I get that...but in my head really I can't separate sex and a relationship. I can't, it just doesn't work. That whole make out session with a person who will remain nameless at this point in time...was nothing, it was kissing and biting and like laying ontop of one another but that's it. NOTHING...and it got to the point where it just made me sick, I didn't want to look at the guy anymore and I was just like this is gross, I said sorry and I left. I was absolutly disgusted... If I can't handle that how on earth am I suppose to handle fucking someone? BBBLLLAAAAHHHHHHH! Just not going to happen no matter how bad I want sex!

And even now after I've said all of that I don't even really want sex....I just want Ty because he's so much more than you could even imagine.

I need to move on, I need a new boy....someone more amazing!! I'm taking applications!!!!!