It's 4am - I can't sleep because all I do right now is fucking worry.
Ugh I got myself in such a mess. Even though I'm working so hard to have a handle on things...it just doesn't work. Hopefully I feel better once I'm back in MTL and have my school application done.
My body hurts with stress and depression. (Can that even happen?) My head aches, my back....I'm 23 I have no clue how my body can hurt this much without a serious accident. The only part of me that's been in a serious accident lately is my heart but I'm trying to forget about that, put it aside and just deal with stuff.
Life has to get easier than this - it has to. What are the chances that I'm going to do all the hard stuff now and have nothing but smooth sailing from here? (prolly none) I think the problem may be my character. I'm NEVER happy, ever. I don't know how to relax because there is always something that needs to be done. I honestly don't know how to have fun. How to truly let go of everything all the hang ups and worries and just allow myself to have fun. How sad is that?
What boggles my mind is that I came here to get better. I came here because I needed a break from things and some actual professional help. I finally admitted that I needed it, I had this great feel that things were going to get better and I got fucking shafted yet again. I have no idea how I get my hopes up. I know this is my cycle. Try something - do it for a significant amount of time if it works then keep it if it doesn't then move on and try something else until your happy. My problem is I always put all my eggs into one basket I think. Once I have an idea I just fucking run with it and EVERYTHING is wrapped up in that one chance to be happy and when it fails I can't bounce back from it.
It sucks how pathedic you feel when you start to realize things about yourself. When you know your stupid cycles but still don't know how to break them. This is probably what addiction is like, could my pain be my own addiction? If so, then that's mother fucking sick. How messed up in the head do you have to be for that to happen, jesus.
Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing. I used to have all the plans and I used to think that I deserved nothing but the best and everything I dreamt about would come true. That's what they teach you when you're young, naive and too stupid to realize it's a lie. That "ideal" is so hard to let go of. In all of this shit I still want it. I still want my happy ending more than anything else even though I no longer believe in it.
I dunno about you but I'm the worst when I'm alone. Whenever I have the time to think everything through and actual see myself for what I am. I'm defidently my own worst critic. I had a talk with someone close the other night - he told me I was beautiful and amazing. I didn't say thank you. Instead I told him that if he knew me in all my honestity, with all my flaws and secrets revealed I would be the ugliest person in the world.....he didn't say much after that.
I just want a break. I want to sleep for awhile without dreaming. My head, my heart and my tears need a rest. It's wearing me down to the point where if it keeps up much longer I don't know if I'll get up again.
Don't comment on this please.
Ugh I got myself in such a mess. Even though I'm working so hard to have a handle on things...it just doesn't work. Hopefully I feel better once I'm back in MTL and have my school application done.
My body hurts with stress and depression. (Can that even happen?) My head aches, my back....I'm 23 I have no clue how my body can hurt this much without a serious accident. The only part of me that's been in a serious accident lately is my heart but I'm trying to forget about that, put it aside and just deal with stuff.
Life has to get easier than this - it has to. What are the chances that I'm going to do all the hard stuff now and have nothing but smooth sailing from here? (prolly none) I think the problem may be my character. I'm NEVER happy, ever. I don't know how to relax because there is always something that needs to be done. I honestly don't know how to have fun. How to truly let go of everything all the hang ups and worries and just allow myself to have fun. How sad is that?
What boggles my mind is that I came here to get better. I came here because I needed a break from things and some actual professional help. I finally admitted that I needed it, I had this great feel that things were going to get better and I got fucking shafted yet again. I have no idea how I get my hopes up. I know this is my cycle. Try something - do it for a significant amount of time if it works then keep it if it doesn't then move on and try something else until your happy. My problem is I always put all my eggs into one basket I think. Once I have an idea I just fucking run with it and EVERYTHING is wrapped up in that one chance to be happy and when it fails I can't bounce back from it.
It sucks how pathedic you feel when you start to realize things about yourself. When you know your stupid cycles but still don't know how to break them. This is probably what addiction is like, could my pain be my own addiction? If so, then that's mother fucking sick. How messed up in the head do you have to be for that to happen, jesus.
Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing. I used to have all the plans and I used to think that I deserved nothing but the best and everything I dreamt about would come true. That's what they teach you when you're young, naive and too stupid to realize it's a lie. That "ideal" is so hard to let go of. In all of this shit I still want it. I still want my happy ending more than anything else even though I no longer believe in it.
I dunno about you but I'm the worst when I'm alone. Whenever I have the time to think everything through and actual see myself for what I am. I'm defidently my own worst critic. I had a talk with someone close the other night - he told me I was beautiful and amazing. I didn't say thank you. Instead I told him that if he knew me in all my honestity, with all my flaws and secrets revealed I would be the ugliest person in the world.....he didn't say much after that.
I just want a break. I want to sleep for awhile without dreaming. My head, my heart and my tears need a rest. It's wearing me down to the point where if it keeps up much longer I don't know if I'll get up again.
Don't comment on this please.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
Infact I didnt even read it.
Put on a nice pair of warm socks. Grab a book, and forget your worries for 1 hour. IF there is anything troubling you. 1 hour of freedom will mean more than words can say.