evilprozac79

I am so ready to just give up. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been without a job for a couple of years now, living only on a combination of trust fund checks and other peoples' generosity. I hate it beyond anything else. I've been looking for a job, but in a shitty economy, with a felony on your record, you might as well give up, as there's no hope, unless you know somebody, but all my friends either work for militant anti-felony companies, or work at places that require advanced licenses.

Last night, my gf and I broke up. I don't even really know which of us did it, but it was long in coming. I tried so hard to be with her. I really did love her with all my heart, and I know she loved me. You'd think that would be enough, wouldn't it? But no, she couldn't love herself, and so for every positive thing, there were always three negatives.

I'm trying so hard to stay afloat, but with all this going on, it's so hard to keep paddling, and not let your head sink below the water. I hate it, but sometimes I find myself asking why should I even bother? Most frustrating, having seen how my brother's death affected everyone last August, I've made an ironclad resolution that I won't kill myself. I just don't know what else to do anymore.

I hate my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it... and now I've put this in a blog, sounding all pathetic... god, I really do hate myself sometimes.

Why does true happiness feel so impossible? All I ever wanted was to be married, and have a happy family. I'll be 34 this year. Maybe it's just time to give up on that dream.