eventide

hello my friends. i know this is a kind of humor, a suicide humor. almost got fired this week. still might. but funny thing is i am happy... weird huh? its like , i dont know, like sha la la la la la live for today......

ok. a whiner. nooooo more
from now on this and this and this
did you ever read magic mountain (sauber berg)?
guy goes to this sanatorium place in the mountains
for a few days, cause he has a cold he cant seem to shake
but he ends up staying 7 years.
7 fucking years.
im at this college, doing this job
which some respect
and...
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these nights i say "go away!"
many times
to ghosts.
they annoy me, like gnats. so i
run as fast as i can
i turn my head hard to one side
can hardly wait for sleep.
to be gone. free.

what i really want is to be frozen.
to save me. so i will have me left
when i have again something real and substantial...
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you know what i like about sg. its like a fantasy world. i mean not in th sense that its ureal, but in the sense that it doesnt connect. its where i can say do , its a truth , that no one knows. it is separate. its not alter ego THAT , over there, where my physical body is, that is my alter ego....
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ok. ive decided i do too much whining. how boring.
um. what else? maybe i should talk about myy art work. or my friends. ... soon i promise...
my first 2 students arrived.! ones a dancer and ones a singer. theyre both really nice. the dancer is really excellent. (did my first class today. i mean nothing fancy, it was just a yoga session....)

concentrate. con cen trate
no. i know. dont concentrate. instead open your mind. open your heart. like zen.

ok. here: so many things. the smell of these beeswax candles. candy. animals. even the word "animals". so many fucking things remind me of a being with her. fuck its the same old same o. its not love. i just want everyone to know that. its not...
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wind. im listening to it. at 2 am. its dark , of course. i ve left all my doors and windows open to hear it. its like a storm coming, but there are no clouds. its like on the beach. but there is no sand. its like wonder, like i saw it across the grass today, over the low sun, slicing, like a skipping stone,...
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remember my story about the 3 things every new yorker is looking for?
i was thinking "3" and heard this on the radio:

do you know the difference between a bum, a hobo and a tramp? hobo is a person who travels and wants to work, a bum is person who neither wants to work nor travel while a tramp is a person who travels...
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problem is only ,. the less drugs i take the more i think.
the more i think , the more i die. thoughts are the enemy. what am i taking? ssri's. yum. trying trying to come off. jesus. harder than i thought it would be. patienc.e they were ok. probably saved my life in fact. fine. i cut them like coke with a razor blade...
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you know, the thing about suicide girls is .. i mean i know im not a kid. or , to put it another way i know i AM a kid despite all these years, and this dumn job. my dad asked me if i had any friends here and i said, well, no, but that soon the students were coming - and then he said,...
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