ethidium

i don't know why i start to write a blog right now tbh....

guess it's just that life's been shit recently and i got to get it out of me somewhere. it seems pretty unlikely anyone is going to read what i have to say here so i thought this might be the best place.
that way i can read what i had to say today in a few days time and recap how i feel now and how i might feel then.

so far most times when i felt down where linked to a certain problem...
you know, stuff like beeing heartbroken, fucking something up badly or something happening to you.
but atm the one single word to describe my feelings and problems is 'aimless'. i got no clue where to go or what to do. i don't feel like talking about it to anyone, not even my friends and them pushing me to talk about my 'problem' doesn't help either.
it's rather paradox, on the one hand i don't want to be alone as that just starts me thinking about how i feel all over again and on the other hand, as soon as i am out people start commenting that i look depressed.
the real problem is that people don't take 'i don't want to talk about it' as an answer.
so atm i really can not see the point in going out as i want to get away from the way i feel and not pushed right into it again.

so apart from not k nowing hat to do with my life or where to go i get the bonus of not knowing how to deal with that situation.

staying in my flat alone is shit as it just makes me think about it all and not knowing if i should cry or smach something out of frustration.
goin out to get some distraction proves useless as well as i seem to have everything that's going on in my head written on my face.