errance

So yesterday was my grandmothers wake...and was also a really strange day in general... My ex, who walked out of my life and hasn't been there for a solid 3 months or so, no contact no nothing for that period of time.... showed up, which was respectful but also made the day harder because there were ulterior motives I came to find- we didn't part from our relationship on good terms...we were together about a year and half. I was in a pretty bad place yesterday to start with - but my rock, Vimes, was by my side all day. He is one of the few people in my life who was meeting my ex for the first time yesterday, getting a fresh perspective, and sadly, as tough as I tried to be, he saw that I was going to fall back into the trap

My roomate, Travis and my ex (who are very close friends) asked if they could hang out us that night. I guess I needed some sort of closure because I made every excuse in the book as to why it was okay for us all to hang out together.

The night unfolded as so: We were not really looking or speaking to eachother once we got to the bar...I was mostly hanging out with the friends... I went out for a cigarette, the ex followed and gave me the long awaited apology I have been waiting for since the breakup for treating me pretty shitty for the past year and a half..and especially during the breakup! Also asked if we could possibly have a friendship or more over time again. UGHHHHH!

But.....somewhere, out of nowhere I sort of got this strength to just say no - to say I had no ill will or anything like that, but that i'm completely moved on and won't rock the boat, so to speak. I usually am indifferent to most situations because I try to stay detached for the most part...but in this relationship I was madlllllly in love, so to do this was a huge step for me. I got what I needed last night- which was the apology I never got...I thought I wanted more all this time, thought I wanted us back, but really, I have been in love with what we had - and realized nothing changed or would ever change... The only closure I needed was an apology and the respect that I never got during our relationship. I got it last night, and it was a pretty good feeling.