I grow ever increasingly incongruous with the world around me. The world I witness. I understand more and more as I free ever more from my unconscious mind and bring it to conscious attention. I think I will at least write down my philosophies, my beliefs, my thoughts, my personal religion, My personal culture. Culture means nothing if it is not passed on. Maybe it will make sense to someone someday. It is no use to me. No use to anyone now. Humans, and it seems especially females, largely revert to the culture and traditions of their families and societies they come from. It seems every little girl wants here fantasy wedding. They want their knights in shining armor. Mine is as black as Edwards. They never want to see how bloody a real knights armor and sword gets. I dont believe in marriage or even exclusivity. I fully understand and expect that this means that I will be alone and that my every love is only a temporary visitor. They will always leave as it seems they are suppose to. I have hope only so that I can feel disappointment. I have love only so that I can feel pain. It does not matter as I have said before. As long as they are improved by the experience, a better person than they were when they leave me. I did not choose to be who I am. However, denying it, avoiding it, playing this game that everyone likes to play is very tiring. Weakening, sickening. I am sick of myself. My body has fallen into apathy. I am a high performance machine. I have betrayed myself and I am being punished with pain. I have been dumbing things down for everyone my whole life. My potential wasted and who I am almost lost. I tried to be that knight. I have tried to hide amongst all the normal people. You always hear that you should be yourself. Society says you cannot. I am tired of how fluffy empty and stupid everything is. I am tired of how everyone not only accepts it, but worships it. It is irritating to hear people complain the few bits here and there they somehow have been able to recognize. Somehow they never recognize that the problems are far deeper and wide ranging than they could probably accept. They fail to see how they are constantly contributing to them and making them worse. Life shouldnt be this way. Humanity isnt suppose to be this way. It seems I can do nothing but tolerate it.
