In my writing in my xanga journal I have gone through quite a bit over the past few months. It has brought me out of my dormancy and set me once again on the journey through myself. To be able to express what is inside me. To be able to release the things I have kept to myself for so long. It has been en experience with unexpected consequences. It has taken the concept of being myself to levels and places I was not surprised about but would not have guessed. In a way I have not changed. Really I have only been allowed access to more places inside myself. I have had to face more of myself that I find. Being that I know only truth and cannot even lie to myself. I have been forced to confront much, so much. I like to believe that this is a necessary journey whose continuance is ultimately justified. I know that regardless of the consquences I cannot go back. I do not want to go back. I will have to suffer what comes of it and hope that this carries some eventual benefit to others. I have been able to elucidate my beliefs and philosophies. It has allowed the development of my personal religion and culture. These are all things I will be trying to work out and write down. Being that they are personal They are not for anyone else to accept or follow. there are people who want to know. It Is for their sake. If you want to understand me I will do what I can to help. I am growing more addicted to my demons. It seems they can have unexpected benefits. They need to be fed. The intense and often evil sexuality they crave seems to be a necessity I can no longer ignore. It diverts them from violence. As long as that sublimation is maintained my control cannot be shaken. I can no longer afford weakness. I can no longer afford apathy. I can no longer afford ignorance. Whatever pain may come I will stand taller against it and keep walking. I have the endless realms of my mind to explore. I have to see what happens when I open every door. I have already lost everything. As always everything I love will be lost to me. It is time to test those who say they will never leave. It is time to test those who say I cannot hurt them. It it time to test those who believe in me.
