Nothing in this world enrages me more than the fact that I am alive. I am powerless to do anything about it which enrages me more. How can I be allowed to exist? It is ridiculous. it is wrong. I do not belong here. Their are things that distract me from this truth for a time. Actually most of the time. They even give me reason to enjoy this life. The truth always pokes through to remind me. I live this life to serve those dear to me. It is the cost and the payment of my existence. If I find out I am the one that put me in this life. I guess I cannot do anything about that. You cannot get revenge on yourself.
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you know, you can, actually, very easily do something about being alive. people do it all the time.
I spent a large part of my life suicidal. from about when I was 16 to less than a year ago. every day, contemplating, planning, debating, and eventually deciding to wait. maybe three years ago, the only thing stopping me was that I needed to take care of my dog. to me, she is a furry daughter. I love her. unfortunately, that made things worse because I was now trapped by her. I told my psychologist that I would kill myself if it weren't for Palmer, and she suggested that I board her. not give her up to a shelter, but take her to one of those places where she could stay for a week or two when people are on vacation. I was shocked. I asked my doctor why she would suggest this. she said that as long as there are options we can work around them, but when we are stuck we get desperate.
I didn't board Palmer. I took her for a really long walk and talked to her the entire time.
anyway, you can do something about it, if you really need to or want to. in the meantime, serving those you love seems like a damn good way to spend your time.
Wish I was nearer and I would so take you out places to cheer you up!
*Hug*