endlessly

Fuck it all. Here I find myself drunk again facing the realization that, ONCE AGAIN, that which I desire most in this world has been dangled in front of me only to be yanked away when it seemed so promised to me. It is now two days since I heard from her. Last we spoke she told me how much she loved me and that I was truly the only person who understood her. And here I find myself thinking the worst of thoughts, because they seem to be the only way to be truly free of this madness that is the life which inexplicably falls before me. I try. I give everything I have, and it is either too much or not enough. Either way, I always end up here, alone, wishing only to not feel this any longer, whatever the cost. How can a man devote himself to something he truly believes in when it only serves to rend his heart from his body, time and time again. I know longer wish to feel this and will pay whatever cost to be free of it. Fuck this pain. I no longer wish to bear it.