endlessly

The computer was flubbing yesterday so I got frustrated and left it alone. Basically I haven't been doing anything but the same thing, drinking my stupid ass off. I did go to the mall the other day and spent too much money on books, two of which were books I know she has read and for some reason I just want to feel like I'm in her world again. Self-destructive? Oh yeah. However, one of the books I picked up is called "When Good Men Behave Badly." I was intrigued by the title and found it has a lot of insight into other self-destructive behavior in relationships. I'm only on the first chapter and I already see some instances of myself in it. Some behavior that I've never really been able to explain and there it was, black and white. Why couldn't I have found this book two years ago, there was so much I realized I was doing wrong but I didn't know how to do anything about it or why I did it. Things may have been so different. But that's foolish to wish for. I can't go back, no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to go back and change things. I have to move forward and hope for the best. Somebody save me. Please.