endlessly

So, less than 24 hours to go. Tomorrow is the day that she and I were supposed to be married. This week has proven to be my own personal hell. I sit in this house all alone everyday, watch TV, drink beer, smoke cigarettes, and keep thinking how if I had done things differently (which is to say 'done them right') she and I would still be getting married tomorrow. Or, who knows, maybe we would have already been married by now. There are a million probable outcomes that might have come to pass had I been a smarter person, been a man, been there for her, been willing to take a chance, etc, etc. But the fact of the matter is here I sit in Ohio, alone, depressed, and hating myself for the mistakes I have made. And all the while she sits in Hawaii happier with her new man than with me.

My friend called me up for some drinking last night but I couldn't really get into it. This is a mutual friend by the way and I swear she has him looking out for me. He got a call last night during a movie and walked out of the room. When his g/f called earlier he sat there and talked to her over the movie. Hmmmmm??? I'm completely reaching here. Anyway, he knows I'm having trouble sleeping and gave me some stuff to help me out. Thought about downing them all but I know better. I can't see it now but one day I will simply learn to live without her and may find something that I actually enjoy doing again. However, being the above average intelligence person that I am, I kind of see my future as being one of those guys who winds up a bachelor for life because I simply can't get it all together and wind up drinking away my problems. Now, seeing this possibility you would think I would do something to prevent it. Well, I have this whole smart/dumb thing going on. A friend of mine once told me, "Flynn, you have got to be the smartest dumb guy I have ever met." He was right, I have a slightly photographic memory, but give me a sure thing and I'll over analyze it to death and wind up destroying it in the end. Case in point, read just everything else I've posted on here.

Have a good one folks and wish me luck tomorrow. I have a feeling it's going to be a drunk-fest. Just got to remember to hide the cell phone tonight so I don't call her up crying and shit. Later.