I just had an epiphany.
I was driving very fast down the highway, music turned up uber loud, windows down, hair dancing wildly in the wind. The sun was out, the temperature perfect, and I was feeling unreasonably happy. Its always at those times, in the midst of travel or transition, that I figure out the nuances of my soul.
Some years ago, when I was just fifteen, I was exceedingly stupid and irresponsible, and this ended up getting me pregnant. When my mom found out, I was given no choice and forced to have an abortion. Even if I had wanted to object, I was in such a state of shock that I don't think I could have found the words.
*Side-note: What happened to me was basically illegal, at least in the state of Pennsylvania. I did end up going into the clinic twice, but only because I was too early the first time, and they had to wait several weeks for the fetus to develop enough to be seen on a sonogram in order to proceed. If I hadn't been so early, they would have done it immediately, which is illegal, as there is supposed to be a period of at least 24 hours between the first exam and the procedure. Also, when I did go in the second time, no one explained the procedure to me, no one offered counseling, no one talked to me about my options, which I believe is the legal route. So be aware, people, of the legalities in your state if, god forbid, you are ever in this situation. Had the clinic followed the rules, I would have kept the baby, mostly giving it up for adoption, and be living with an entirely different, probably more bearable, type of pain.
Continuing...I realized that, because of my lack of choice in such serious situations earlier in my life, I am now rather bent on having control of my life. That is why, when I was eighteen, I went to the college of my choosing, taking out loans to pay for it, instead of listening to my parents and going to a school that offered me a free ride. That is why, when people judge me for being different, I find ways to be as different as I can be.
I don't mean rebelling. I just mean, I am an individual with my own ideals and opinions, and I stick to them regardless of what others tell me. I am proud of my individuality, because it is something that I, and I alone, can control.
Whether or not this control is healthy remains to be seen. I know that in certain areas of my life, I can be somewhat overbearing when it comes to controlling myself and others, though I never mean to hurt anyone in the process. But then, I am simply a work in progress, as we all are. There are those who would judge me for the decisions I have made, for the person I continue to become.
Too bad for those people, I say. I am who I am, and as I continue to watch the world fly by the windows of cars, trains, planes, or even the open air of a bike, I will find out more about myself.
Let the epiphanies come. I can handle it.
I was driving very fast down the highway, music turned up uber loud, windows down, hair dancing wildly in the wind. The sun was out, the temperature perfect, and I was feeling unreasonably happy. Its always at those times, in the midst of travel or transition, that I figure out the nuances of my soul.
Some years ago, when I was just fifteen, I was exceedingly stupid and irresponsible, and this ended up getting me pregnant. When my mom found out, I was given no choice and forced to have an abortion. Even if I had wanted to object, I was in such a state of shock that I don't think I could have found the words.
*Side-note: What happened to me was basically illegal, at least in the state of Pennsylvania. I did end up going into the clinic twice, but only because I was too early the first time, and they had to wait several weeks for the fetus to develop enough to be seen on a sonogram in order to proceed. If I hadn't been so early, they would have done it immediately, which is illegal, as there is supposed to be a period of at least 24 hours between the first exam and the procedure. Also, when I did go in the second time, no one explained the procedure to me, no one offered counseling, no one talked to me about my options, which I believe is the legal route. So be aware, people, of the legalities in your state if, god forbid, you are ever in this situation. Had the clinic followed the rules, I would have kept the baby, mostly giving it up for adoption, and be living with an entirely different, probably more bearable, type of pain.
Continuing...I realized that, because of my lack of choice in such serious situations earlier in my life, I am now rather bent on having control of my life. That is why, when I was eighteen, I went to the college of my choosing, taking out loans to pay for it, instead of listening to my parents and going to a school that offered me a free ride. That is why, when people judge me for being different, I find ways to be as different as I can be.
I don't mean rebelling. I just mean, I am an individual with my own ideals and opinions, and I stick to them regardless of what others tell me. I am proud of my individuality, because it is something that I, and I alone, can control.
Whether or not this control is healthy remains to be seen. I know that in certain areas of my life, I can be somewhat overbearing when it comes to controlling myself and others, though I never mean to hurt anyone in the process. But then, I am simply a work in progress, as we all are. There are those who would judge me for the decisions I have made, for the person I continue to become.
Too bad for those people, I say. I am who I am, and as I continue to watch the world fly by the windows of cars, trains, planes, or even the open air of a bike, I will find out more about myself.
Let the epiphanies come. I can handle it.
and thank god for beer