My favorite bartender for a few years, before she moved on to greener pastures, used to smile and nod when I came in to sit and order. She didn't need to entertain me, I wasn't coming in to try and fuck with her/flirt, or sad sack and whine. Likewise, we both liked horror movies and disturbing music so we always had something "light" to talk about. She and I both recognized something in each other. The thankful acceptance of finding those few hobbies/past times to chat about without the need to say it. "Yeah, me too." Every once in a while I stumble across someone else who knows the value of "pointed small talk" and that it's also what you don't say. We would have moments of quiet, together. She would be cutting up limes or stacking glasses and we wouldn't need to say shit. Survivors of trauma, especially childhood trauma tend to work that way.
Now I'm seeing a lot of quiet, a lot of surface conversation, a lot of shy smiles and obsequious nods. A lot of people are suddenly understanding what its like to have to be quiet, stay low, keep a low profile, hide, pray that something beyond their control doesn't take notice of them and hurt them...and I fucking hate it.
People like my old bartender, or a few of my other friends, people like me. We aren't some selective sibling sitch, there is nothing to envy in the quiet way we live our lives. There is nothing to feel left out of when people like her and I sort of just, smile and nod in our quiet way.
No one should have to live this way. I would't wish the way I learned to live life on any of you and I hope this awful shit goes away sooner than later so that most of the rest of you don't have to start learning how to live this quiet life.