elysia

woah your up the duff! congratulations. i was over 3 months gone before i found out i was having jaden, mad isn't it?
don't worry, it's not all bad. apart from the crying screaming & general leeching, children can provide hours of entertainment. just this week i have taught erin to say:
"alright geezer"
"STOP! hammer time"
and my personal favourite:
"camel toe"

next week : "cunt"
....or maybe not

This Autumn Elysia will be wearing babies. The ultimate fashion accessory.

Was thinking of getting a Chihuahua, but you've trumped me dammit...

I'll need to adopt an orphanage or something to beat that...

Still, at least no hang-over the day after your birthday, so there's always that...

Plus, you can always punish the Ginger dude and make out the Kid is his... double the child support... sweet.

Anyway, it's clearly all a symptom of your recent internet-less life... Should have gone to BullDog 9.75 per month...

http://www.broadbandinternetuk.com/bulldog_broadband.htm

though i prefer this kind of bulldog...

http://members.tripod.com/~buddiesthrubullies/

if only for the tagline...

[Edited on Feb 24, 2006 12:08PM]

ohhhh you have only seen upto seaon 2!!!???!!?!?!?!?!??!?!? i am very drunk right now so you will have to ecxuse me, its harleen's fault (only kiddinkg, she was an innocent bystander) buuuuut, 24 is teh best tv program ever made and i am currenty watching season 5 onm a week by week basis along with the american cos i know someone who can do fantabulous things with comumpters. its killing me though, i'm use3d to the 12 ghours in one go method! seaosn 2 is amazine, i thing that and season 4 & 2 are the bests but they all rule cos they alllll have keifer sutehrland in them and jack bauer who i would so totyalty do!!!! i wonopt give any thing away that might ruin it for you cos that woudl be really mean but you really have to waicth all all 24 that you can get your hands on cos its awesome, and just so you know, i woudl laso settle for a threesome with bauer and lamedia

Jack Bauer makes me feel impotent. Which is a shame as I could probably turn gay for the guy...

Season three has the greatest moment in television history... it's official. So get watching before it's ruined.

Also in TV land, a freakish turn of events has meant that Ian McShane is now a challenger to Mr Bauers coolest dude on the box title. I'm not kidding you Lovejoy himself has reinvented his amiable persona into the dirtiest cocksucker on HBO. The guy says cunt more times than a sex offender with tourettes. Whilst pissing in a bed pan. And all before breakfast.

My new god.

Happy birthday by the way.




[Edited on Feb 19, 2006 5:39AM]

why ohh why would you ever go with a ginger guy anyway!!! that is just wrong! Its not normal and I think that you should seek revenge........ when you slit his throat hiss EGNEVER in his ginger haired ear! of course everone knows that saying the revenge word backwards while slitting a ginger "human's" throat takes his soul and damns it to ginger hell where no one tells them politely that "ohh i love your hair its a real nice red and suits you sooo much" fuckin gwahs if people stopped breeding with these gingers that the race would die out within 50 -70 years.... it's not much to ask is it?

Promise me that you will take into account the colour of the next guys hair before you slep with him! egghhhhhh ginger pubes.... that is sooo wrong!

you're cunty man radar was spot on after all,ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS...THEY ARE ALL ASSHOLES.

I know exactly how you feel poppet John the cunt of the universe did exactly the same thing to me but he wasn't even interested in going out with me in the first place, just to sleep with me then ignore me for the next 3 months arse arse arse arse

no wonder his last girlfreind kept cheating on him, served him right

they are both big piles of steaming dog excrement and I hope that both of them sleep with the same disease ridden whore..get siphyllis and their dicks rot off

now go and listen to Bikini Kill very very loudly !!!!!!

he is not allowed to treat you like that ... I have a team of blood thirsty blood hounds(suprisingly enough) on his tail as I type

I am so angry for you, he doesn't deserve you in a million years. You my darling are a goddess and he is a fucking cockroach

loads of love and hugs

Come to ours! femme-pirates are the way to go.
I'll even try capturing a midget to give to you...where do they roam?

Cider is always a dangerous box. You no doubt impressed a fear on him that will take at least a week to heal. Don't worry about it though, I can assure you that men are simple cunts who don't see any consequences in their actions.

I might as well come clean with my V day plans. I originally was going to leave you a picture of a Terry's Chocolate Orange and then I got the crazy idea of actually posting you one, but I don't have directions on which to direct the courier with it. You have to ask yourself two questions though (and I shall indicate them with tungsten tipped screws):

1. Will it be a plain chocolate or milk chocolate? But more importantly,

2. Will there be any superficial damage to the box?

Porn instead of The O.C.?

(1)What did you say? Did (3) go well? Must have been a nice guy as you yourself have told us how good your breasts are

Those are some great text messages.

It was indeed the first time I've seen it, uncut version complete with the animal bits, it was pretty full on but I actually think it was a really good film. Not in a hurry to watch it again though!

Hello.
You went to Swaffham! Was it exciting?

My boss recently found that to contact his local branch (which is about a mile down the road), he had to call Sri Lanka to be re-routed. Cutting off their nose to spite their customers' faces?

I like digging. So much so that I dug three ponds in my back garden.

I'm seeing the Boosh live tomorrow!
"Put away those fiery biscuits!"

Thanks

HSBC: Truer words were never spoken. Have you ever considered a career in politics?

I'd vote for you

HOLIDAY WEATHER CHAOS....

its definatley not a good idea to iron testiclay...

sorry to hear it turned out shite, but you have too bounce back...

you shouldve hired a canal barge and read a book, maybe got yourself a 40 yr old stunner too ... thatd be a bit wierd.

monkey tennis?

fantastic 'post card' thats how i want to look when i get older! thanks. ( i did laugh out loud, and still have a stupid grin on my face!!!)

Sounds like your holiday was a memorable one, i think overall that has to be a good thing.

Robot jim has gone

Glad your back

You get back and I don't hear from you for days.

It's a good thing my world doesn't revolve around you, missy.

Thats why there are so many English/Irsh bars,fuck all else to do

sure thats cool. look forward to hearing from you, have a good time

I like how you have 'no time to update' and yet still manage your trademark five points.
classy.


I heard that rumour, about how women don't poo...
my ex-friend Jacqui (and by ex-friend I mean, ex-recipient of cunnilingus), used to say that women are not allowed to poo, or indeed fart, if there is someone in the neighbouring stall... I know how they feel... You wanna try pissing standing next to someone with a bigger dick...








PS - there is no such thing as a girlracer

PPS - the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is allowed to exist because of the woman who plays Trillion whose name I can't remember, and but only because of.







Zooey Deschanel.
See.
Nothing gets past me.

My flat mate is called John G... no shit... maybe he "raped and murdered my wife", but I don't remember having a wife... damn foggy memory bullshit...

Sometimes I wonder if my lack of short term memory might be one of those defence mechanisms designed to stop me engaging with the numb-nut dip shits I employ. Not remembering any of their names makes it easy to fire them when they fucked up their piss easy jobs. Fuck heads. Clearly you'd be better off rising to some meglomanic position of authority, rather than have a job change. That way you could cull the the lot of them. Unfortunately you'd also find out that getting replacements who can at least find novelty mouse mats ironically amusing, is near on impossible. 99% of people are like zombies on prozac at work... and the only cure is a Romero double barrel to the brain.

Elsewhere, on holiday, I like to bask under the only cloudy spell **whereever** has had in months, whilst getting food poisoning and being hit on by she-males with hands bigger than my own. Trying to take the latter as a compliment I get all nostalgic about the flight, and the 20hour torture garden of inhaling 400 peoples shit and piss at 3 minuite intervals, everytime the incontinent fuckers open and close the lame excuse for a toilet door that I always get assigned a seat next to. Probably because I've specifically asked not to. Then I realise that getting a full-body frisk at the departure gate was always going to be the highlight of the entire expedition. Should have turned around and walked straight out of there... quit whilst i was ahead. Like a two week break was gonna soothe my soul. Idiot.