For the first time today I woke up, I came to the store and I feel confident to say to you that if you don't take this Michael MacDonald DVD that you've been playing for two years straight off, I'm going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain.
Top 5 ways that you know that it's Christmas;
(1) Everytime you go shopping the lame cocking shop assistant offers to gift wrap whatever you've purchased. Fuck you dumbass, it's a bra. Who the fuck would I be buying a bra for having tried it on?
(2) At least one person you care about isn't talking to you. It's all about being logged onto MSN and being VERY aware of the fact that people just DON'T WANT TO talk to you.
(3) You feel compelled to lie. Lie about how great your life is and how much you love Xmas and how much you wish you were in touch with random family more often.
(4) The compulsion to drink increases 10 fold. This then gets bumped up to a need to take as many mind bending drugs as one can possibly find. It's the best way to miss Xmas completely short of staying in bed.
(5) Something fucking disastrous and life changing happens. Coincidence? Me thinks not. The most amusing thing about this is the method of which people now choose to give you horrifically bad news. It really is the last thing you're expecting as you're watching Dick and Dom on a Saturday morning to get the text message of doom. FUCKING text message?! I mean ... COME ON! Why not just fuck my favourite dead pet with a broomstick covered in sweaty prawns and bad 70s carpet?
You grab a womens breasts ... and you feel it ... and it feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it
Needless to say .. I will not be having the last laugh. In fact If I laugh again at any point before my next birthday I will be amazed. Things are so bad I can't even laugh at Partridge. TRAGIC. Cock and ass and tits.
I got friends that fuck guys .... in jail
It's not all about butthole pleasures. It's man-tastic. Smoke my pole.
I have also managed to miss one of my best friends birthday parties (which is currently in session) due to a lack of funding and a lack of personality. I would have just been sat like a tit stroking donkey licker being a miserable bitch throwing back booze as if it may evaporate otherwise. Not exactly the party animal.
The thing about relationships is they make one person go; blah blah mah blah blah
And the other person goes; what are you talking about?
And then one person goes; pah nah mah blah blah
Don't hit the face, i'm doing an advert for Specsavers next week
The festive song everyone should be listening to; CKY - Santa's Coming
Top 5 ways that you know that it's Christmas;
(1) Everytime you go shopping the lame cocking shop assistant offers to gift wrap whatever you've purchased. Fuck you dumbass, it's a bra. Who the fuck would I be buying a bra for having tried it on?
(2) At least one person you care about isn't talking to you. It's all about being logged onto MSN and being VERY aware of the fact that people just DON'T WANT TO talk to you.
(3) You feel compelled to lie. Lie about how great your life is and how much you love Xmas and how much you wish you were in touch with random family more often.
(4) The compulsion to drink increases 10 fold. This then gets bumped up to a need to take as many mind bending drugs as one can possibly find. It's the best way to miss Xmas completely short of staying in bed.
(5) Something fucking disastrous and life changing happens. Coincidence? Me thinks not. The most amusing thing about this is the method of which people now choose to give you horrifically bad news. It really is the last thing you're expecting as you're watching Dick and Dom on a Saturday morning to get the text message of doom. FUCKING text message?! I mean ... COME ON! Why not just fuck my favourite dead pet with a broomstick covered in sweaty prawns and bad 70s carpet?
You grab a womens breasts ... and you feel it ... and it feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it
Needless to say .. I will not be having the last laugh. In fact If I laugh again at any point before my next birthday I will be amazed. Things are so bad I can't even laugh at Partridge. TRAGIC. Cock and ass and tits.
I got friends that fuck guys .... in jail
It's not all about butthole pleasures. It's man-tastic. Smoke my pole.
I have also managed to miss one of my best friends birthday parties (which is currently in session) due to a lack of funding and a lack of personality. I would have just been sat like a tit stroking donkey licker being a miserable bitch throwing back booze as if it may evaporate otherwise. Not exactly the party animal.
The thing about relationships is they make one person go; blah blah mah blah blah
And the other person goes; what are you talking about?
And then one person goes; pah nah mah blah blah
Don't hit the face, i'm doing an advert for Specsavers next week
The festive song everyone should be listening to; CKY - Santa's Coming
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