Trapped... Trapped in my head. Trapped in my thoughts. Paralyzed by anxiety and fear. Sometimes out of nowhere I feel like this. I have no idea why. All the demons from my past. All the shitty words I used to hear.. All the pain I used to feel... All the anger and hate towards me..all the sick feelings in my gut. All the ugliness just comes out to haunt me. It all comes crashing and piling down on me, heavier than lead. I try not to give it that power. I try to outrun it and try to stop it in its tracks, but I am not always strong enough. I am not always the hero who can pretend it didn't happen or pretend it doesn't affect me. It does, and it's ugly and hateful. It clutches my throat and pins me on the ground. But most days it is not relevant. I am a good actress, a good "liar" if you will. I am good at pretending and smiling through the pain. I am good at saying everything is just fine and good. Most days I am in control and I am strong and courageous. Today I am not, but that is okay and I will be okay. I am slowly breathing deep breaths and fighting with my whole core. I will find my way out. I will kick it's ass, brush off the dirt, stand up, dust off my hands and walk away. Today. I will.
