I haven't been sleeping well. Last night I stayed up till 3:09 am. Not sure what the deal is. Valerian root didn't even help me the other night. The lavender and clary sage on my pillow didn't sooth me to sleep either. 
Lots on my mind. No real reason to be all saucer eyed that early in the morning. I hate it when I have shit flowing through my head. I hate being so completely overstimulated that eveyone around me must think I'm on drugs. Which I'm totally not. I don't even pow the maui wowie anymore. Ever. Thats not actually by choice- it just doesn't make me feel good like it did when I was 18/19. It makes me feel lousy so- I never touch the mean green.
I think I may try smoking Kava Kava when I get back. It's a legal, natural high anyway- and maybe it will be okay for my chemistry. I'm absolutely sure it's less potent than ganja.
So yeah- I haven't put a bowl in my head in almost ten years. Crazy. I've been drug free for a decade.
If you don't count mood brighteners that my Psychiatris prescribes for me. Although- I haven't really taken my Effexor in a few weeks. I ran out. I hadn't been taking it most the time I was in Ireland either and I've been fine. Other than a few bouts of depression. Nothing that a little sunshine won't cure.
I've been taking B-complex vitamins for mood. They have these alkaselzer b-complex tabs that you put in water and they fizz all over. Pretty neat. They've helped me act a bit more passive and less bitchy. Thats my main thing I guess. I have alot of rage. Sometimes I yell and say fucked up things. I hate yelling so that's why I try to take mood brightners. I'm not a bitch- I'm the bitch- and that's miss bitch to you. If I've taken a mood brightener I'm more of a - Can I help you with anything? Or a -That's okay mom on the carpet commercial where the kids spill grape juice on the carpet and the mom's all thats okay with a big smile *perma grin* that's why all the neighborhood kids are usually at Miss Ellie's house. All of them. I'm the only one crazy enough to let 10 kids run around the house or hang out in my yard. I miss that actually. I miss being the cool mom. All the kids in this neighborhood hate me. In the beginning- that wasn't the case. They all had me doing wraps in there hair and they'd come to the mall with my kids and myself on the bus. Then one day they decided they were going to start beating the shit outta my 10 year old girl. Unfortunately my daughter does not have my fighting spirit. She's extremely passive naturally. After the 4th time of her getting jumped by four other neighborhood girls- I came unfucking-glued. I walked outside- and stayed about 40 ft away from the girls that had jumped her. I yelled so loud that none of my neighbors say hello to me anymore- EVER. I told the girls that if they ever came within 15 feet of my daughter that I would basically - brutally beat them to death. I told them that I didn't care if any of their mothers (or fathers for that matter)wished to speak with me- told them they all knew where I live and that I'd be happy to offer them a finger (you know which one) to sit and spin on.
I never jump in the middle of kid arguments- ever. I usually think its best for kids to work shit out on there own. I just kinda lost it. Truly. If I could take what I said to those girls back- I don't think I would. Even now- 5 months later. Here in Ireland on this little street that I live on- I'm known as the wicked witch. People whisper under their breath when they see me outside. N you know what I say to that? *shrugs* nothing. I know it will be different when we go back to the US. Americans may be stupid (and ugly according to Europeans) but most Americans seem to like me. That's the thing about me I guess. You either like me a hellof alot or you CAN NOT stand me. (I'm kind of abbrassive and I say weirded out shit) There is usually no imbetween. Unless you are a Virgo. You could ask Pywacket what I mean- if she were still on SG. I miss her. I think she only liked me half the time. (I can live with half the time~ she's a cool lady.)
Anyone know her email addy? I think I could maybe ask Goo.
xoxox
Elle
Lots of love n stuff.
Going on our Northern Europe excersion in one week. Whoot. Belgium, Denmark, Luxenburg, Germany, Holland and Sweden. Will try to make it to Norway. We have to take a couple fairies to get to some of these places. Should be a blast.
Song of the day:
Tesla~ Love Song
***************
So you think that it's over,
That your love has fin'lly reached the end.
Any time you call, night or day,
I'll be right there for you if you need a friend.
It's gonna take a little time.
Time is sure to mend your broken heart.
Don't you even worry, pretty darlin'.
I know you'll find love again. Yeah.
Love is all around you. Yeah
Love is knockin' outside *YOUR* door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know.
Love is all around you.
Love is knockin' outside **YOUR** door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know.
Lots on my mind. No real reason to be all saucer eyed that early in the morning. I hate it when I have shit flowing through my head. I hate being so completely overstimulated that eveyone around me must think I'm on drugs. Which I'm totally not. I don't even pow the maui wowie anymore. Ever. Thats not actually by choice- it just doesn't make me feel good like it did when I was 18/19. It makes me feel lousy so- I never touch the mean green.
I think I may try smoking Kava Kava when I get back. It's a legal, natural high anyway- and maybe it will be okay for my chemistry. I'm absolutely sure it's less potent than ganja.
So yeah- I haven't put a bowl in my head in almost ten years. Crazy. I've been drug free for a decade.
If you don't count mood brighteners that my Psychiatris prescribes for me. Although- I haven't really taken my Effexor in a few weeks. I ran out. I hadn't been taking it most the time I was in Ireland either and I've been fine. Other than a few bouts of depression. Nothing that a little sunshine won't cure.
I've been taking B-complex vitamins for mood. They have these alkaselzer b-complex tabs that you put in water and they fizz all over. Pretty neat. They've helped me act a bit more passive and less bitchy. Thats my main thing I guess. I have alot of rage. Sometimes I yell and say fucked up things. I hate yelling so that's why I try to take mood brightners. I'm not a bitch- I'm the bitch- and that's miss bitch to you. If I've taken a mood brightener I'm more of a - Can I help you with anything? Or a -That's okay mom on the carpet commercial where the kids spill grape juice on the carpet and the mom's all thats okay with a big smile *perma grin*
that's why all the neighborhood kids are usually at Miss Ellie's house. All of them. I'm the only one crazy enough to let 10 kids run around the house or hang out in my yard. I miss that actually. I miss being the cool mom. All the kids in this neighborhood hate me. In the beginning- that wasn't the case. They all had me doing wraps in there hair and they'd come to the mall with my kids and myself on the bus. Then one day they decided they were going to start beating the shit outta my 10 year old girl. Unfortunately my daughter does not have my fighting spirit. She's extremely passive naturally. After the 4th time of her getting jumped by four other neighborhood girls- I came unfucking-glued. I walked outside- and stayed about 40 ft away from the girls that had jumped her. I yelled so loud that none of my neighbors say hello to me anymore- EVER. I told the girls that if they ever came within 15 feet of my daughter that I would basically - brutally beat them to death. I told them that I didn't care if any of their mothers (or fathers for that matter)wished to speak with me- told them they all knew where I live and that I'd be happy to offer them a finger (you know which one) to sit and spin on.
I never jump in the middle of kid arguments- ever. I usually think its best for kids to work shit out on there own. I just kinda lost it. Truly. If I could take what I said to those girls back- I don't think I would. Even now- 5 months later. Here in Ireland on this little street that I live on- I'm known as the wicked witch. People whisper under their breath when they see me outside. N you know what I say to that? *shrugs* nothing. I know it will be different when we go back to the US. Americans may be stupid (and ugly according to Europeans) but most Americans seem to like me. That's the thing about me I guess. You either like me a hellof alot or you CAN NOT stand me. (I'm kind of abbrassive and I say weirded out shit) There is usually no imbetween. Unless you are a Virgo. You could ask Pywacket what I mean- if she were still on SG. I miss her. I think she only liked me half the time. (I can live with half the time~ she's a cool lady.)
Anyone know her email addy? I think I could maybe ask Goo.
xoxox
Elle
Lots of love n stuff.
Going on our Northern Europe excersion in one week. Whoot. Belgium, Denmark, Luxenburg, Germany, Holland and Sweden. Will try to make it to Norway. We have to take a couple fairies to get to some of these places. Should be a blast.
Song of the day:
Tesla~ Love Song
***************
So you think that it's over,
That your love has fin'lly reached the end.
Any time you call, night or day,
I'll be right there for you if you need a friend.
It's gonna take a little time.
Time is sure to mend your broken heart.
Don't you even worry, pretty darlin'.
I know you'll find love again. Yeah.
Love is all around you. Yeah
Love is knockin' outside *YOUR* door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know.
Love is all around you.
Love is knockin' outside **YOUR** door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
Uh yeah totally worth it, don't worry about trusting them so much as you are totally aware of everything that is going on at the time.
Yeah I have a tape too but you really need a few real life sessions to get the hang of it.
What have you got to lose?
Then again there is a lot to gain if it works.
i thought, "maybe i should just send her an email" and then i was like "i won't be here too much longer, a hella crazy comment would be cool!"
soooo...
between work and stuff - also, i will still send my address, but we're moving soon so ... i will have to update you again in a month or so, OR i could send you my work addy.
i'm kindof glad you commented on the me/myself/i thing. i was in a fabric store yesterday during lunch and it just kind of occurred to me. i told another friend of mine that it was like an epiphany of my awesomeness.
people who don't know me keep coming on to me, people who know me keep asking what's going on because i'm "changed", i feel like i'm going in a hundred different directions but i also feel so calm, quiet. it's very interesting.
and then i got into my car after purchasing some elastic and perusing the shelves and turned on my cd player and was just like "i am cool... i like me a lot - i have great taste in music and i love life (it's hard to meet people who think being alive is so rad) and i enjoy almost everything i do and i think i'm pretty reasonable most of the time and i get along with almost everyone and i'm open minded and i love to learn and everything amazes me and i like to act like a kid sometimes and i am pretty okay at taking care of myself and i'm active when it comes to making my world a better place and i genuinely care about the people in my life and i have great people in my life and i really don't have much to complain about. i know at one point in time i wanted to be everything and do everything but i realize i can't... and my little life just isn't so bad because what i really want is very simple and that makes me happy, even if i can't have it right now, because, see, i'm happy with what i have as is... it makes sense to me that my attitude and my perspective play off each other and ... well, NOW is the best moment to be in... and if i want to be the best me i can be then it takes being the best me RIGHT NOW...
and i think i'm pretty cool, so it shouldn't be too hard."
isn't that silly? i thought it was funny... i giggled halfway back to the office. and then i got lunch and was very happy about the little bit of rootbeer i drank. but today i'm not so happy about all the junk i ate yesterday. i ate a lot of junk. i had lunch and dinner at restaurants and much of the food was refined and i spent too much money.
pleh.
i think we all suffer from some silly form of mpd. celebrate your psychosis! revel in neurosis!
i just can't believe that she's named them FOR you... so like, if you had named all your personalities yourself, i would be more concerned - even moreso if each was unaware of the others.
let's see... yesterday i listened to some simple minds, and some norah jones, and some sigur ros, and some police, and some deb talan, and some edie brickel, and some fleetwood mac, and some ben harper, and some radiohead, and some bill withers, and some debussy, and some ... i listened to lots of music yesterday
sat in my office with my headphones on for a while, listened to the classical station on my way into the office, radiohead during my lunch-hour errands, changed some on my way around in the evening, and i've been in the habit of playing the deb talan cd when i get home. it's a great sing-along album and it hasn't left the player at home in about a week or more.
mleh. muuuusic. mmmmmm :slobber:
i'm really glad you guys are going to get involved in yoga. it's so awesome. i think you'll both love it.
what i will say about the alcoholic thing is YEAH, SURE... (but at least i'm not still in denial
yeah, al made me some really great earrings using these pieces of red stone that almost look like petrified wood... she connected them using these little sun/star flat disks, so it's like the stone, then the side of the pointy-ish disk you see... there are i think four stones and five disks, so they hang down to about my chin length. they're so great!
i usually can't wear fake-ish jewelry, but i've decided i'm just going to heal my allergic reaction to jewelry ... ends up i can only wear them for about eight hours before i get irritated, but it's cool - i'm working on it.
i love them.
you are so sweet to offer to make me something. i can totally see you with your little tackle box of nifty tools and material.
those are the best gifts. after i'm done with a pair of pants i'm doing for one friend, i'm going to design a purse for another friend.
it's totally fun and keeps me busy. but there are other art projects i want to work on, too. i have to keep reminding myself that the schedule i'm keeping is for my own benefit... i'm so busy working on me these days - it's so great. i love sharing my life with people i love, and these little hand-made things are awesome. a couple weeks ago i went to a friend's house and brought materials to make salsa and some beer and we all sat around and hung out on the porch and had cheers and ate chips and salsa and avocado. it was the BOMB!
it was like "this is what life is aBOUT!"
i love making memories. talk about "with love"
i'm with you - i don't wear gold either. i used to. my ex-boyfriend of like six years bought me gold because it's what he liked, and i wore it because it's the thought that counts, right? my hair is naturally kindof copper, thus my name, no kidding. (the profile pic is from february and in october i'd bleached my hair - the picture i just linked you to is from after i'd let my very first bleach grow out and before i started fucking with shit again) and i think gold jewelry just washes me out or something.
puffy stickers!!!!! i haven't had any of those in FOREVER!
~sooooo i hear you caaaalling , oh baby, please, give a little respect toooOOOO meeee~ (on the radio)
a little more information:
allison is a girl i hang out with on a pretty regular basis. i met her almost exactly a year ago through some people i know in los angeles through a journaling site somewhat like this one. she lives here in my city, so it's strange how i was introduced to her through people on the west coast. she is thirty-three (i think) and has grown to be one of my best friends in this short time. she has made such a huge impact on my life and is very important to me - a strange connection. but she's very different from me. i used to not have girly girl-friends but she has influenced me to be a bit more chicky and appeals to a "sophisticated" side of my personality... she is somewhat into the 'high-society' and is also an avid learner, at the same time very down-to-earth. i love her.
genny is a girl i met through my ex-boyfriend. his friend started dating genny while we were together and she was actually one of the first females in that circle of friends that i felt was really really REAL, if that makes sense. we are good friends and spend thursday evenings together regularly. when we're in social situations we are typically pulled apart and don't get to visit, so i dedicate my time to her one on one.
actually, i tend to dedicate my time to all these girls one on one. i'm digging the intimate interaction more these days, though it is somewhat limiting, i really appreciate it.
eebie is my nickname for a girlfriend named elizabeth. when i met her five years ago she worked part-time for me at a restaurant. the rest of the time she was a live-in nanny for some people in our neighborhood and the kids called her eebie, so i picked right up on that. we felt an IMMEDIATE connection that could not be explained and are very much alike but also very opposite. we have had some really bad times but have always forgiven and moved on, picked up like we are the same person again. she lives in hawaii now. i could not live without her.
mo is my nickname for my best friend, melissa. i call her my best friend because she has been with me the longest - ten years. we butt heads a lot. she is a very strong personality and honestly reminds me a lot of my mother but i love her love her love her. lately we haven't spent much time together, but we're both going through some serious changes and they don't appear to be merging much. over the years we've known each other, we've done this often, but we always stay in touch and always love each other and it's almost like we're married. i used to say i would marry her, but it's just because that's the kind of commitment and loyalty i have to our friendship ... i think if i actually had to live with her again (i have before) i would want to die! her husband's name is joe, so sometimes i refer to the couple of them as mo/joe because it makes me giggle.
what else, what else?
hehah.. funny... i'm giving you a key! hahaha
don't spend so much time on the internet! your kids need it, too!
the angry face... hahaha.
more later, sweetness
[Edited on May 21, 2004 12:05PM]