Hey guys.
I feel like I need to vent.
My heart is breaking so much and this has been such an incredibly hard week for me.
A man I loved for many years passed Monday night. We were in a serious relationship for two years and remained the best of friends after many trials and tribulations. This is someone who I grew up with and was my friend long before we got romantic about it.
I hold so much guilt for our past, it's actually driven me to seek professional help before. And though things between us have been great the past few months, i have never fully been able to let things go. I blame myself for so much that he went through. It rips a hole in my heart.
This was the most sweetest man I have ever had but I was young and couldn't appreciate it the way I should've. I wish there was a price I could pay to relive just being in his arms and not even saying a word.
I can't sleep. I can't eat. And when I'm alone I just cry.
Last night was his wake, and looking at him lying there was comforting. I knew he wasn't in there anymore so it didn't hurt as bad.
I don't know what I believe in in terms of the afterlife. But two strange little things happened to me since he left. The first night j cried so much till my eyes burned and my body gave out from exhaustion. I woke up in the middle of the night and I swear I felt someone holding my hand. It was so soothing I fell right back to sleep.
The next day a client of mine sent me flowers in the mail because she knew how bad I was taking things. My Facebook and Instagram post have been pretty depressing. She knew all about our relationship since she's a close friend of mine. But when I opened the flowers they came in a dinosaur vase. Lol so random. But he loved dinosaurs and our last conversation last week he sent me pictures we took at the museum of natural history from this huge dinosaur exhibit. They were silly and fun. One of the best memories we have. And I feel like that dinosaur vase was him telling me I'm here and it's ok.
I'm sorry for the vent, my heart is just shattered and I'm really struggling right now to keep it together.
Please please please, if you ever feel alone, trust me you are not. I wish he knew how many people loved him so much. I wish he knew how many people are crying right now because they miss him. I wish he knew how much I loved him.
if your struggling with addiction or depression , I promise you there is a way out. I found the light at the end of the tunnel and I promise you can too.
Rest in peace babies. I know wherever you are is filled with tiny little kisses carefully placed all over your face ❤️
