The HitchHiker's guide to the Galaxy on the I-275, 696, M-5, 96 Interchange:
Number of times I have been through the I-96, I-275, I-696, M-5 North, M-5 East, Grand River piece of hell this week: 8.
Number of times I have nearly been killed in said Mixing Bowl of Hellish and Firey Death: I stopped counting at 11.
This little piece of hell on earth reminds me of Super Mario Brothers. You know, the levels where you dodge the firey balls on the chains while jumping over dragon fire attempting not to be killed by those little helmet things and hoping that nothing will touch you and make you lose the ever important spit-ball power? This mixing bowl of hatred, fire, hell, and lack of ammunition on these freeways of death makes me want to cry like a little baby. Or pull out a paintball gun and start defacing cars as I sit in traffic.
There are so many things wrong with this. Firstly, I work west of Novi, so I almost never go this way. I've never been a big fan of freeways, and I hands down win the worst driver award. I can swerve through lanes of traffic and consider it comic relief while the guy behind me calls me all kinds of names until he winds up next to me in the parking lot we affectionately call 696. Then he will catcall me and try to give me his number in an attempt to get me to show him my boobs.
If I must go to Troy for some reason in the morning, I know that there is no hope. If I take the mile roads I will seemingly hit every fucking traffic light from Pontiac Trail and Beck to 14 and Stephenson. If I take 96, I go through the aformentioned intersection that turns me into mush.
It rarely moves at a speed above 7 miles an hour. 10 miles per hour is a good day. There will be 37 crashes from the assholes merging in from various directions trying to get over to the far side of the freeway to take the other one. If I take Maple over to M-5 to get on 696 I will nearly die in my attempt to get in that right lane to get on 696 because someone already on the freeway will all the sudden have the epiphany that they would like to move in another direction.
Moving along 696 is like the ultimate tease. It's like when you're watching a really great show and they cut to commercial break right at the climax of the show. It's like sex when you're about to orgasm and the other person stops completely. You'll be crusing along at the speed of a cheetah and all the sudden come screeching to a stop and not move for 2 hours. You will acquaint yourself with the person in the car next to you and when your car will shuffle one car length ahead of the lane next to you, you will acquaint yourself with that person. It's like speed dating on the freeway, only speed is not involved.
After rush hour has passed, driving through this area is a hazard to your health. Any speed under 90 is simply unacceptable and rather than pass you, Michigan law requires them to follow you at a distance of 1 inch from your bumper. However, doing a speed above 90 does allow you to hover over the pavement and reduces the risk of drivers noticing that 696 is completely lacking in pavement, but rather, is one large sinkhole. 275 does not share this phenomenon, but rather shares a phenomenon of large trucks tipping over on a daily basis, which may have something to do with the habit people have of cutting over 8 lanes with two inches between their bumper and the semi, and then slamming on their brakes to avoid the plastic bag floating over the freeway.
96 in itself has the following rules: The speed limit is the name of the freeway; any bridges over it will take at least 8 years to repair; and forget common courtesy because it will not be extended to you.
M-5 really shouldn't count in all of this, because it is not really a freeway. It's a connector, or a piece of shit road with a deceptive speed limit. It's brand new, really wide, super pretty, and has a speed limit of 50, but, once again, the rules of Michigan driving apply: drive as fast as you can to get in front of the person in front of you, slam on your brakes, lather, rinse, repeat. It has the added, special feature of hiding spaces for policemen to pull you over after you've spent your entire journey getting passed, flipped off, threatened, windows shot out, and give you a speeding ticket.
My conclusion on this area: Mostly harmful and avoid at all costs.
Number of times I have been through the I-96, I-275, I-696, M-5 North, M-5 East, Grand River piece of hell this week: 8.
Number of times I have nearly been killed in said Mixing Bowl of Hellish and Firey Death: I stopped counting at 11.
This little piece of hell on earth reminds me of Super Mario Brothers. You know, the levels where you dodge the firey balls on the chains while jumping over dragon fire attempting not to be killed by those little helmet things and hoping that nothing will touch you and make you lose the ever important spit-ball power? This mixing bowl of hatred, fire, hell, and lack of ammunition on these freeways of death makes me want to cry like a little baby. Or pull out a paintball gun and start defacing cars as I sit in traffic.
There are so many things wrong with this. Firstly, I work west of Novi, so I almost never go this way. I've never been a big fan of freeways, and I hands down win the worst driver award. I can swerve through lanes of traffic and consider it comic relief while the guy behind me calls me all kinds of names until he winds up next to me in the parking lot we affectionately call 696. Then he will catcall me and try to give me his number in an attempt to get me to show him my boobs.
If I must go to Troy for some reason in the morning, I know that there is no hope. If I take the mile roads I will seemingly hit every fucking traffic light from Pontiac Trail and Beck to 14 and Stephenson. If I take 96, I go through the aformentioned intersection that turns me into mush.
It rarely moves at a speed above 7 miles an hour. 10 miles per hour is a good day. There will be 37 crashes from the assholes merging in from various directions trying to get over to the far side of the freeway to take the other one. If I take Maple over to M-5 to get on 696 I will nearly die in my attempt to get in that right lane to get on 696 because someone already on the freeway will all the sudden have the epiphany that they would like to move in another direction.
Moving along 696 is like the ultimate tease. It's like when you're watching a really great show and they cut to commercial break right at the climax of the show. It's like sex when you're about to orgasm and the other person stops completely. You'll be crusing along at the speed of a cheetah and all the sudden come screeching to a stop and not move for 2 hours. You will acquaint yourself with the person in the car next to you and when your car will shuffle one car length ahead of the lane next to you, you will acquaint yourself with that person. It's like speed dating on the freeway, only speed is not involved.
After rush hour has passed, driving through this area is a hazard to your health. Any speed under 90 is simply unacceptable and rather than pass you, Michigan law requires them to follow you at a distance of 1 inch from your bumper. However, doing a speed above 90 does allow you to hover over the pavement and reduces the risk of drivers noticing that 696 is completely lacking in pavement, but rather, is one large sinkhole. 275 does not share this phenomenon, but rather shares a phenomenon of large trucks tipping over on a daily basis, which may have something to do with the habit people have of cutting over 8 lanes with two inches between their bumper and the semi, and then slamming on their brakes to avoid the plastic bag floating over the freeway.
96 in itself has the following rules: The speed limit is the name of the freeway; any bridges over it will take at least 8 years to repair; and forget common courtesy because it will not be extended to you.
M-5 really shouldn't count in all of this, because it is not really a freeway. It's a connector, or a piece of shit road with a deceptive speed limit. It's brand new, really wide, super pretty, and has a speed limit of 50, but, once again, the rules of Michigan driving apply: drive as fast as you can to get in front of the person in front of you, slam on your brakes, lather, rinse, repeat. It has the added, special feature of hiding spaces for policemen to pull you over after you've spent your entire journey getting passed, flipped off, threatened, windows shot out, and give you a speeding ticket.
My conclusion on this area: Mostly harmful and avoid at all costs.
VIEW 26 of 26 COMMENTS
curtiswithac:
I hate Michigans roads..thats why I bought a helicopter...
psychobillydakid:
Nice.............old british humor discribing the absolute worst traffic spot in the universe.....well, played.