drewvis

found this in the boards today. it explains exactly what i feel when i'm asked if i want to go anywhere, or do in fact go out of the house.

"I do not have social anxiety..?"

Do you know what it's like
to walk into a new place
and feel like you shouldn't be there

Do you know what it's like
to believe you're not wanted
even before you say hello

Do you know what it's like
to feel like you have nothing worthwhile to say
to question yourself on each syllable that comes out of your mouth...

Do you know what it's like
to need to check your image in every reflection you walk past
not because you think you're beautiful, but because you know that one small detail could at least help something that cannot be fixed...

Do you know what it's like
to tell yourself you'll never be good enough, that you'll always be alone
and truely believe it?

Do you know what it's like
to feel guilty for loving yourself-
to feel guilty for hating yourself
at the same time.

Do you know what it's like
to want to be a social butterfly
but to be trapped, strangled in a cocoon?

Do you know what it's like
to regret everything you do
and anything you don't do
because you were too afraid?

Do you know what it's like
to be afraid that you're going to go insane,
or...
that one day you'll be alone
and won't be able to meet anyone new
you'll forget how to talk
except for in your head
or...
you won't get work
once you graduate because,
well, you can't talk...
you get nervous if you have to make a call,
feel your heart speed up a thousand times over on an interview...


Do you know what it's like
to be intelligent enough to realize
how .. stupid... this all sounds...
yet somehow cannot help but
feel it all pressing on your chest
the moment you step out of your room
and into the "real world."

Do you know what it's like?
Do you know what it's like?

... I hope you don't. I truely hope you never have to know.

But this... this is what is like to be me.