Wednesday Jan 24, 2007

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So i guess this is going to be one of those posts where i think about things and be a little more honest with myself than i usually am.

Do i love being single, oh yeah, its great, all the freedom in the world to do what i want, when i want and no one to try and change me or tell me that i am being immature or anything else. Now, the fact that girls try to do that to guys and vica versa is a whole other subject. Now, while i do really like being single and not having to worry about someone else and be free to peruse my own dreams, at the same time, i would like to have someone to share them with and spend time with.

Here is the real hitch, and i realize that i am being a bit of a girl, but i want someone around when i want them to be around and to be gone when i want to be alone, and i really, at this point am not sure that i want to be tied down to just one, it really seems to have been a problem in the past. It always seemed that after about 6 months, no matter how much i loved them and enjoyed spending time with them, i still wanted to get to know other people. By get to know, i mean get to know them both on an intellectual and personal level as well as possibly a physical level, more than what a traditional relationship would allow.

Now, that said, i really do not like to share, at least affections. Hell, up until not too long ago it would have really bothered me if a significant other would flash some other guy. Not so much now, but i do not think that i could handle some girl that i was close with fucking some other guy, if only for a 'i really don't want to get an STD standpoint'. Maybe that is all that it is, but i do think that a part of that may stem from always being rejected and excluded, even from friendships until i was about 16. I was after all, the Uber Geek, the kid that would play Magic, and read books and hang out with teachers for lunch, not that it was time wasted, i spending it the way that i did, just not so much the general hostility.

Maybe it all comes down to not finding the right girl, or the one that i thought was right, was right for a friend but not for a girlfriend. I guess that i look at other couples and wonder what the hell they are doing to be so happy with each other, why are they not always fighting? I guess that it comes down to, i am just too much me and they are just too much themselves for either one of us to find a happy medium of togetherness. Except this time i really tried.

This time it was with my best friend, of nine years, the girl that i have been friends with longer than anyone else still alive. She was the most important person in the world to me for a very long time, even before we dated, perhaps more so. This of course caused some strife with girls i was dating, even though i was honestly not interested on said friend in that manner, at the time. This time i tried to compromise, but she in the end, chose to give up. She is one of those that thinks that its cool to be friends afterwards, but you do not go from being close as close can be, to lovers, and then back to even casual acquaintances, at least not in my book, there is too much bad blood

Anyways, back to the point at hand, stupid ADD. I am not bitching about being single so much as wondering how to make a relationship work the next time around. I think that it comes down to two things, I need to be a bit more picky with the girls that i date and not be afraid to get rid of them if they are not what i want, and try to worry less about unimportant shit (though i am doing a pretty good job of that now).

Another big issue that i have, is trust, that could also be where part of my problem with not wanting to share affections comes from. I've been betrayed a few times in the past, both by lovers and by supposed friends and i found that it left a lasting impression upon me. Somewhat crippled my ability to trust. It tends to take longer and is more tenuous, at least for a while. Once someone has proven themselves to me, i am pretty much always going to be there for them...And I'm rambling again...goddammit.

Well, since i got sidetracked i decided that i wanted to do a personality test.



SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss

Profile: INTJ
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 27 Feb 2005

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

Functional Analysis
by Joe Butt
Introverted iNtuition

INTJs are idea people. Anything is possible; everything is negotiable. Whatever the outer circumstances, INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them. Others may see what is and wonder why; INTJs see what might be and say "Why not?!" Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors' amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. INTJs enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems.
Extraverted Thinking

Thinking in this auxiliary role is a workhorse. Closure is the payoff for efforts expended. Evaluation begs diagnosis; product drives process. As they come to light, Thinking tends, protects, affirms and directs iNtuition's offspring, fully equipping them for fulfilling and useful lives. A faithful pedagogue, Thinking argues not so much on its own behalf, but in defense of its charges. And through this process these impressionable ideas take on the likeness of their master.
Introverted Feeling

Feeling has a modest inner room, two doors down from the Most Imminent iNtuition. It doesn't get out much, but lends its influence on behalf of causes which are Good and Worthy and Humane. We may catch a glimpse of it in the unspoken attitude of good will, or the gracious smile or nod. Some question the existence of Feeling in this type, yet its unseen balance to Thinking is a cardinal dimension in the full measure of the INTJ's soul.
Extraverted Sensing

Sensing serves with a good will, or not at all. As other inferior functions, it has only a rudimentary awareness of context, amount or degree. Thus INTJs sweat the details or, at times, omit them. "I've made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts" could well have been said by an INTJ on a mission. Sensing's extraverted attitude is evident in this type's bent to savor sensations rather than to merely categorize them. Indiscretions of indulgence are likely an expression of the unconscious vengeance of the inferior.
Famous INTJs:

Dan Aykroyd (The Blues Brothers)
Susan B. Anthony
Arthur Ashe, tennis champion
Augustus Caesar (Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus)
Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)
William J. Bennett, "drug czar"
William F. Buckley, Jr.
Raymond Burr (Perry Mason, Ironsides)
Chevy Chase (Cornelius Crane) (Fletch)
Phil Donahue
Michael Dukakis, governor of Mass., 1988 U.S. Dem. pres. candidate
Greg Gumbel, television sportscaster
Hannibal, Carthaginian military leader
Veronica Hamel (Hill Street Blues)
Angela Lansbury (Murder, She Wrote)
Orel Leonard Hershiser, IV
Peter Jennings
Charles Everett Koop
Ivan Lendl
C. S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)
Joan Lunden
Edwin Moses, U.S. olympian (hurdles)
Martina Navratilova
Charles Rangel, U. S. Representative, D-N.Y.
Pernell Roberts (Bonanza)
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California
Josephine Tey (Elizabeth Mackintosh), mystery writer (Brat Farrar)
Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor
Donald Rumsfeld, US Secretary of Defense
General Colin Powell, US Secretary of State
Lance Armstrong
Richard Gere (Pretty Woman)
Katie Couric

U.S. Presidents:
Chester A. Arthur
Calvin Coolidge
Thomas Jefferson
John F. Kennedy
James K. Polk
Woodrow Wilson

Fictional:

Cassius (Julius Caesar)
Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice)
Gandalf the Grey (J. R. R. Tolkein's Middle Earth books)
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)
Professor Moriarty, Sherlock Holmes' nemesis
Ensign Ro (Star Trek--the Next Generation)
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (Hamlet)
George Smiley, John le Carre's master spy
Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs)



Completely true. The best part is Ensign Ro Laren,

/me is an Uber geek

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