So i guess this is going to be one of those posts where i think about things and be a little more honest with myself than i usually am.
Do i love being single, oh yeah, its great, all the freedom in the world to do what i want, when i want and no one to try and change me or tell me that i am being immature or anything else. Now, the fact that girls try to do that to guys and vica versa is a whole other subject. Now, while i do really like being single and not having to worry about someone else and be free to peruse my own dreams, at the same time, i would like to have someone to share them with and spend time with.
Here is the real hitch, and i realize that i am being a bit of a girl, but i want someone around when i want them to be around and to be gone when i want to be alone, and i really, at this point am not sure that i want to be tied down to just one, it really seems to have been a problem in the past. It always seemed that after about 6 months, no matter how much i loved them and enjoyed spending time with them, i still wanted to get to know other people. By get to know, i mean get to know them both on an intellectual and personal level as well as possibly a physical level, more than what a traditional relationship would allow.
Now, that said, i really do not like to share, at least affections. Hell, up until not too long ago it would have really bothered me if a significant other would flash some other guy. Not so much now, but i do not think that i could handle some girl that i was close with fucking some other guy, if only for a 'i really don't want to get an STD standpoint'. Maybe that is all that it is, but i do think that a part of that may stem from always being rejected and excluded, even from friendships until i was about 16. I was after all, the Uber Geek, the kid that would play Magic, and read books and hang out with teachers for lunch, not that it was time wasted, i spending it the way that i did, just not so much the general hostility.
Maybe it all comes down to not finding the right girl, or the one that i thought was right, was right for a friend but not for a girlfriend. I guess that i look at other couples and wonder what the hell they are doing to be so happy with each other, why are they not always fighting? I guess that it comes down to, i am just too much me and they are just too much themselves for either one of us to find a happy medium of togetherness. Except this time i really tried.
This time it was with my best friend, of nine years, the girl that i have been friends with longer than anyone else still alive. She was the most important person in the world to me for a very long time, even before we dated, perhaps more so. This of course caused some strife with girls i was dating, even though i was honestly not interested on said friend in that manner, at the time. This time i tried to compromise, but she in the end, chose to give up. She is one of those that thinks that its cool to be friends afterwards, but you do not go from being close as close can be, to lovers, and then back to even casual acquaintances, at least not in my book, there is too much bad blood
Anyways, back to the point at hand, stupid ADD. I am not bitching about being single so much as wondering how to make a relationship work the next time around. I think that it comes down to two things, I need to be a bit more picky with the girls that i date and not be afraid to get rid of them if they are not what i want, and try to worry less about unimportant shit (though i am doing a pretty good job of that now).
Another big issue that i have, is trust, that could also be where part of my problem with not wanting to share affections comes from. I've been betrayed a few times in the past, both by lovers and by supposed friends and i found that it left a lasting impression upon me. Somewhat crippled my ability to trust. It tends to take longer and is more tenuous, at least for a while. Once someone has proven themselves to me, i am pretty much always going to be there for them...And I'm rambling again...goddammit.
Well, since i got sidetracked i decided that i wanted to do a personality test.
Do i love being single, oh yeah, its great, all the freedom in the world to do what i want, when i want and no one to try and change me or tell me that i am being immature or anything else. Now, the fact that girls try to do that to guys and vica versa is a whole other subject. Now, while i do really like being single and not having to worry about someone else and be free to peruse my own dreams, at the same time, i would like to have someone to share them with and spend time with.
Here is the real hitch, and i realize that i am being a bit of a girl, but i want someone around when i want them to be around and to be gone when i want to be alone, and i really, at this point am not sure that i want to be tied down to just one, it really seems to have been a problem in the past. It always seemed that after about 6 months, no matter how much i loved them and enjoyed spending time with them, i still wanted to get to know other people. By get to know, i mean get to know them both on an intellectual and personal level as well as possibly a physical level, more than what a traditional relationship would allow.
Now, that said, i really do not like to share, at least affections. Hell, up until not too long ago it would have really bothered me if a significant other would flash some other guy. Not so much now, but i do not think that i could handle some girl that i was close with fucking some other guy, if only for a 'i really don't want to get an STD standpoint'. Maybe that is all that it is, but i do think that a part of that may stem from always being rejected and excluded, even from friendships until i was about 16. I was after all, the Uber Geek, the kid that would play Magic, and read books and hang out with teachers for lunch, not that it was time wasted, i spending it the way that i did, just not so much the general hostility.
Maybe it all comes down to not finding the right girl, or the one that i thought was right, was right for a friend but not for a girlfriend. I guess that i look at other couples and wonder what the hell they are doing to be so happy with each other, why are they not always fighting? I guess that it comes down to, i am just too much me and they are just too much themselves for either one of us to find a happy medium of togetherness. Except this time i really tried.
This time it was with my best friend, of nine years, the girl that i have been friends with longer than anyone else still alive. She was the most important person in the world to me for a very long time, even before we dated, perhaps more so. This of course caused some strife with girls i was dating, even though i was honestly not interested on said friend in that manner, at the time. This time i tried to compromise, but she in the end, chose to give up. She is one of those that thinks that its cool to be friends afterwards, but you do not go from being close as close can be, to lovers, and then back to even casual acquaintances, at least not in my book, there is too much bad blood
Anyways, back to the point at hand, stupid ADD. I am not bitching about being single so much as wondering how to make a relationship work the next time around. I think that it comes down to two things, I need to be a bit more picky with the girls that i date and not be afraid to get rid of them if they are not what i want, and try to worry less about unimportant shit (though i am doing a pretty good job of that now).
Another big issue that i have, is trust, that could also be where part of my problem with not wanting to share affections comes from. I've been betrayed a few times in the past, both by lovers and by supposed friends and i found that it left a lasting impression upon me. Somewhat crippled my ability to trust. It tends to take longer and is more tenuous, at least for a while. Once someone has proven themselves to me, i am pretty much always going to be there for them...And I'm rambling again...goddammit.
Well, since i got sidetracked i decided that i wanted to do a personality test.
Completely true. The best part is Ensign Ro Laren,
/me is an Uber geek