I'm working on getting over my general disconnect from people. Sometimes it feels like life is just happening to me, and that I'm not doing enough to take control of it. I am going to have to figure out what it is that centers my focus. I don't want to just go through a series of accomplishments until I die. At my core I know that the most valuable thing I can have is a connection to good people that is based on honesty and trust. If I can't fully trust someone and gladly return it in kind, things in general just don't seem to hold as much meaning. It's like these feelings add depth to everything else that happens, and that I do. They add complexity. Sometimes I feel like House, startled when I discover exceptions to my self-enforced rules.
The ebb and tide of emotion feels like surfing. I've never been surfing though. Going from one day through to the next seems more like I'm subconsciously marking the days off as I get through them. Each day is something that can never be revisited like you can with an old neighbor. And each passing day seems to get further and further away, eventually feeling like it didn't even happen to me. Me then, is me no more. As I reflect, though, the idea of me is more permanent than the person that is me. The idea carries into the future, and then, I'm no longer set in stone. I become more malleable like silly putty does the more you work with it, as it gets warmer from being manipulated by hands.
I'm not going to apologize for incoherency and I'm not even going to read this again. Because, I don't hate me. But I'm getting annoyed at me. It's time to challenge myself again. Something to push me to a limit and get a new reaction. Physical or mental, the effect is the same: change.
The ebb and tide of emotion feels like surfing. I've never been surfing though. Going from one day through to the next seems more like I'm subconsciously marking the days off as I get through them. Each day is something that can never be revisited like you can with an old neighbor. And each passing day seems to get further and further away, eventually feeling like it didn't even happen to me. Me then, is me no more. As I reflect, though, the idea of me is more permanent than the person that is me. The idea carries into the future, and then, I'm no longer set in stone. I become more malleable like silly putty does the more you work with it, as it gets warmer from being manipulated by hands.
I'm not going to apologize for incoherency and I'm not even going to read this again. Because, I don't hate me. But I'm getting annoyed at me. It's time to challenge myself again. Something to push me to a limit and get a new reaction. Physical or mental, the effect is the same: change.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
This is why I keep record of my hurts, and recall them .. well, "not infrequently." Here, and in general. As I've mentioned, I don't do it to complain or get as many "OMG NOOOOOOO ARE YOU OTAAAAAAYYYYYYY" responses as I can, and I don't always necessarily do it when I'm laying heavy on my floor and pulling the center of my body as low to the earth as I can get it in order to be grounded [yes, when I need grounding, I really do literally need "grounding"] -- I do this to keep it close, and in the forefront. I keep it balled up in the side of my cheek like an old piece of gum that has a hint of taste left. You don't have to chew it all the time, but know that it's there and that if you bit down, you'd get a rush of that old flavor. Contrast is important; fuckin' critical. It's the whole groundwork for perspective, for just about anything, so why is everyone so quick to wholly forget? There's a line between obsessing and erasing. It's not that thin. There's room to walk around in it, probably. Room to get comfortable.
And then when these things do creep up -- they're familiar and they become muses instead of triggers and nightmares and tools for your undoing.
I was -kind- of thinking of something similar last night. But it's not something I want to write for the public yet. Because it's kind of a novel idea to me, and those are too exciting to just throw out. But .. yep. I don't even know if this is what you're talking about, but.
Anyway. You're not awkward. Lulz.