Right now I'm doing some reading on the differences between the modern schools of economic thought. I want to get the nuts and bolts straight. I need to match my inuition about the way things "just work" with the ideas of others who think accordingly. This all started because I was deciding on an economic focus for my master's education. Originally I was drawn to the idea of welfare economics. It soon became apparent to me that this is a completely theoretical school that has little application to predicting social welfare and social harm. You could think of it as a "barely educated" guess. I need more assurance than that, however.
And then I get to thinking about how all this theory is fundamentally flawed. People are by nature conservative and don't want to let go of the past. They're fucking scared. Scared that they have to do all that work again? Well, I'd be more fuckin' scared about getting everyone convinced you were right and have it all fall apart at the worst possible time. I say start over. Do it again. Get it right.
This may not seem very interesting. But for me, the goal is to be able to make decisions that increase social welfare. I intend to place myself somewhere that allows me to make decisions which can help people who need help. How to better allocate scarce resources that they can be used by or on behalf of certain interested people. I like to think of it as "what can I do to to turn have-nots into haves?"
That's pretty grandiose and altruistic, but if a non-profit organization can thrive, so can a non-profit economist. It is very frustrating that how our society pretty much thinks of life as a competition. We have to "win" at life. You can phrase it however you think it to be. There is no changing the fact that everyone in our society tries to accomplish so much for themselves (and we think they are saints if they do it for their own families), yet there is no benefit to thinking about others. Others don't always fit into our own equation.
I am not ignoring or discounting the multitude of efforts that exist to raise up social justice. There are tons. I'm, more simply, frustrated that people that do these kind of things are branded as some sort of outcast or left-wing member of society. It's a huge high school situation. You have to be classified. And if you fall under more than one classification, you'll probably be referred to as the less-cool one.
But why do I care? Well. I'll tell you. There has been a great deal of frustration and self-destructive behavior in my past. This all comes from not knowing what to do or how to do it. It comes from thinking there were no options. I want to do something that is bigger than me. I have a need to prove that I was not a waste, and I only want to prove it to me. I am a huge critic of myself, with good reason.
Instead of coping with my shortcomings constructively, I chose to just lash out and rebel, living day by day, moment by moment. Desperation was there, but focus was not, and it was far more appealing to take the easy way out. Expend as little energy as possible on anything that I did not want to do. As time has gone by it became harder to not get mad at myself for wasting time. For hurting other people. And for being left alone to look back on the wake I had left. Now I want to try and "rectify" it, but part of me knows that's a fallacy. All I can really do is correct those dark thoughts, replace them. And stay on that path. I will keep well away from the shadows of the past, for it might be all too easy to stray again.
More recently, for me, I have found ways to cope and better myself. The root of it is, though, that these changes are brought about by a new form of desperation: if I can't make something of myself now, I never will. All of my wasted opportunities, friendships, energies... will be for nothing and for no one. I will have alienated everyone who has loved or cared for me, the few that are left, and their sacrifices for me will have been made in utter failure.
So for me to not do something I can be satisfied with with my life, I may as well put a bullet in my head. As lazy and unproductive as I have been in the past, I've never felt that things are hopeless. And I never will. Damn, I sure procrastinated long enough.
PS I was wondering... since I spent 6 years being sick and in the hospital, do you think it would be okay if I just thought of myself as... 6 years younger, mentally? That would make me feel better about the past.
And then I get to thinking about how all this theory is fundamentally flawed. People are by nature conservative and don't want to let go of the past. They're fucking scared. Scared that they have to do all that work again? Well, I'd be more fuckin' scared about getting everyone convinced you were right and have it all fall apart at the worst possible time. I say start over. Do it again. Get it right.
This may not seem very interesting. But for me, the goal is to be able to make decisions that increase social welfare. I intend to place myself somewhere that allows me to make decisions which can help people who need help. How to better allocate scarce resources that they can be used by or on behalf of certain interested people. I like to think of it as "what can I do to to turn have-nots into haves?"
That's pretty grandiose and altruistic, but if a non-profit organization can thrive, so can a non-profit economist. It is very frustrating that how our society pretty much thinks of life as a competition. We have to "win" at life. You can phrase it however you think it to be. There is no changing the fact that everyone in our society tries to accomplish so much for themselves (and we think they are saints if they do it for their own families), yet there is no benefit to thinking about others. Others don't always fit into our own equation.
I am not ignoring or discounting the multitude of efforts that exist to raise up social justice. There are tons. I'm, more simply, frustrated that people that do these kind of things are branded as some sort of outcast or left-wing member of society. It's a huge high school situation. You have to be classified. And if you fall under more than one classification, you'll probably be referred to as the less-cool one.
But why do I care? Well. I'll tell you. There has been a great deal of frustration and self-destructive behavior in my past. This all comes from not knowing what to do or how to do it. It comes from thinking there were no options. I want to do something that is bigger than me. I have a need to prove that I was not a waste, and I only want to prove it to me. I am a huge critic of myself, with good reason.
Instead of coping with my shortcomings constructively, I chose to just lash out and rebel, living day by day, moment by moment. Desperation was there, but focus was not, and it was far more appealing to take the easy way out. Expend as little energy as possible on anything that I did not want to do. As time has gone by it became harder to not get mad at myself for wasting time. For hurting other people. And for being left alone to look back on the wake I had left. Now I want to try and "rectify" it, but part of me knows that's a fallacy. All I can really do is correct those dark thoughts, replace them. And stay on that path. I will keep well away from the shadows of the past, for it might be all too easy to stray again.
More recently, for me, I have found ways to cope and better myself. The root of it is, though, that these changes are brought about by a new form of desperation: if I can't make something of myself now, I never will. All of my wasted opportunities, friendships, energies... will be for nothing and for no one. I will have alienated everyone who has loved or cared for me, the few that are left, and their sacrifices for me will have been made in utter failure.
So for me to not do something I can be satisfied with with my life, I may as well put a bullet in my head. As lazy and unproductive as I have been in the past, I've never felt that things are hopeless. And I never will. Damn, I sure procrastinated long enough.
PS I was wondering... since I spent 6 years being sick and in the hospital, do you think it would be okay if I just thought of myself as... 6 years younger, mentally? That would make me feel better about the past.
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Well, first I just wanted to say that while it's obvious you were frustrated that people were trying to paint you into a swatch on the political spectrum, the fact is that what you are talking about and just the sheer color of your convictions is a liberal [brace yourself] agenda [don't swing]. Now, -obviously- you draw zero motivation from this, so it's not what I'm saying -- but the nature of your fight is political. It is. So I say liberal with a lower-case l. Not capital.
This has been one of my biggest [I don't know the word for this] .. .. .. frustrations lately -- that when people think "politics," they think of the dirt and grime. It's synonymous now -- for manipulation. They think Washington and suits and scandal. But I think of what you are talking about instead, and I think about the struggle and the people who push through. I am a progressive, and so naturally I think of the forward motion. The rest is a side-effect of the illness but it is possible to keep your people and your conviction at your sides, and you just muscle through it, because all of the noise will always be there. Conservative thought will always be there. Clinging to broken pieces and smiling wide. These people can seldom even be reasoned with.
I find it somewhat odd that you are so driven in this and so ambivalent regarding politics, and that's because I don't know you well at all and it could be for any reason -- it's not mine to judge. So you may choose to circumvent that entire "scene" intentionally, go through other routes .. but really, it would be a huge vehicle for you, since part of its base is built around social programs and how to improve these conditions. Not on a large scale, since that's where things get sketchy and money gets lost. But where you can really get dig in .. Things are so broken, and so desperate -- and its where you could find these like-minded, forward thinking people. Who would tear things up with you.