disynthetic

Oh, absolutely.

In fact. Funny that you mention [both sides of] that argument; the point where you decide that you are going to let yourself quit [and you have the right, and screw everyone, and so forth] and then two steps beyond that, if you make it those two steps .. where the tables turn and you're there on your own accord. You were at the quitting point, and you didn't, so now it's your terms and you're officially there because you want to -- whereas before it was because ________ had placed you there.

This is generally my issue, and it's a weakness. If someone else puts me somewhere and I'm in distress, I'll rebel. If I choose to be somewhere and I'm in distress, I excel. So you're 100% right that it's a game -- and it's just a matter of turning that corner and your perspective .. allowing yourself to change who's keeping you there .. I guess without it bugging you that that's all it is [manipulation].

The only way it really works is if there's truth to it, so I have to believe that I could leave if I wanted, and I'm choosing to stay, so I pretty much decide to quit every day. I imagine myself doing some tension-filled balance beam walk the whole time. Anything could push me. In reality? I probably won't.. but a younger me has walked had panic attacks under lesser conditions, or punched out various dispensers in bathrooms and stormed out in a fury, and been done with it. Never come back. Being aware of my potential is enough. I'm choosing to stay every minute.

I mean, sometimes I like to look at it kind of like the way I actively choose not to smash the flat end of a pint glass into a guy's eye socket every minute. Conscious decisions, you know? :]

Okay. That was actually me being positive, but I think it read as rather brimstoney. Meh, .. forgive. How'd the breezey day go?