Wednesday, 9/22 8:14pm
Sitting on the couch after a semi-long drive home, and I'm watching some physicist's show called "The Wonders of the Universe." I'm more interested in meeting a friend at the bar for some beers. I know that's not going to be much fun though. Drinking is only any fun with people I can trust, these days. And there aren't many of those...
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Sitting on the couch after a semi-long drive home, and I'm watching some physicist's show called "The Wonders of the Universe." I'm more interested in meeting a friend at the bar for some beers. I know that's not going to be much fun though. Drinking is only any fun with people I can trust, these days. And there aren't many of those...
Read More
I am not giddy or anything, but this song is a dub step remix of No Time to Bleed by Suicide Silence, done by Big Chocolate. If you can stand metal give it a listen. It's pretty bad ass. Relatively speaking, anyway.
This is the flashy tour promo that has the previous remix... remixed... kinda neat. It made my sensitive best friend freak out so...
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This is the flashy tour promo that has the previous remix... remixed... kinda neat. It made my sensitive best friend freak out so...
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chrysis:
XD I wondered for a second, then figured you a.] didn't have an answer, b.] didn't feel like sharing your wind-down solutions with me or something. I was letting it go. But I'm glad you directed my attention -- worth the read indeed.
Very much with you on the go-'til-I-can't thing. And not with anything near productive, either [at the time, if you ask, fuck yes. I am going places, doing things. I should not be stopped and have hours of productivity ahead of me .. but in reality, I think I just marathon Grey's Anatomy online, watch reruns of AC360 and the rest of late-night CNN as it cycles]. The best I actually do occasionally is write something I can look back at the next day and not want to tear apart. But if penned between the hours of 2 - 5am .. it gets sketchy. Not bad, and the ideas are there, but you'd really think I did drugs.
Similarly, I watch the clock tick closer to when I need to be up in the morning. Every morning hurts more than the last, every day I fantasize about a long night of sleep, every time I crawl into bed is bliss and my body screams and begs for more the next time .. so why don't I just do this? But I can't. I can't turn off. I have flipped my entire sleep schedule this way, in increments. An hour shove at a time, and I was a night creature, going to sleep at 10am and I couldn't budge it .. for months. Had to continue the shove all the way around the clock.
I am a fairly anxious person but if I make lists, I am able to "just do" an entire list of things, and while I don't know what -you- mean about the "for other people" part .. my lists include these things also. I know what you mean about suspecting they involve selfish motives, and anyone who looks into himself has to suspect this of altruism .. I mean, it's there. It makes you feel good -- it reinforces your behavior. It's just the truth. But there's real good in it also. And yes, these things are easier to do .. and it's easier to let your own things slide. Or at least for me -- I let my necessary things slide for weeks, to the point of neglect.
Well. I think that is a tangent.
So could be your optimism-skeptic thing. But I dig it. But this is far beyond a comment. I think because I just woke up from a nap .. and have my coffee going.
Okay. Cutting a couple things short for length purposes. :/
Very much with you on the go-'til-I-can't thing. And not with anything near productive, either [at the time, if you ask, fuck yes. I am going places, doing things. I should not be stopped and have hours of productivity ahead of me .. but in reality, I think I just marathon Grey's Anatomy online, watch reruns of AC360 and the rest of late-night CNN as it cycles]. The best I actually do occasionally is write something I can look back at the next day and not want to tear apart. But if penned between the hours of 2 - 5am .. it gets sketchy. Not bad, and the ideas are there, but you'd really think I did drugs.
Similarly, I watch the clock tick closer to when I need to be up in the morning. Every morning hurts more than the last, every day I fantasize about a long night of sleep, every time I crawl into bed is bliss and my body screams and begs for more the next time .. so why don't I just do this? But I can't. I can't turn off. I have flipped my entire sleep schedule this way, in increments. An hour shove at a time, and I was a night creature, going to sleep at 10am and I couldn't budge it .. for months. Had to continue the shove all the way around the clock.
I am a fairly anxious person but if I make lists, I am able to "just do" an entire list of things, and while I don't know what -you- mean about the "for other people" part .. my lists include these things also. I know what you mean about suspecting they involve selfish motives, and anyone who looks into himself has to suspect this of altruism .. I mean, it's there. It makes you feel good -- it reinforces your behavior. It's just the truth. But there's real good in it also. And yes, these things are easier to do .. and it's easier to let your own things slide. Or at least for me -- I let my necessary things slide for weeks, to the point of neglect.
Well. I think that is a tangent.
So could be your optimism-skeptic thing. But I dig it. But this is far beyond a comment. I think because I just woke up from a nap .. and have my coffee going.
Okay. Cutting a couple things short for length purposes. :/
chrysis:
It's not bad form necessarily. But I am long-winded to a fault and get self-conscious about it. ;/ Sometimes I have to just put my hand over my mouth.
I will return to the skipped-thought later. Or something.
I will return to the skipped-thought later. Or something.
When will it be okay to come outside?
When the storm is dying and the rain is done.
The composure of my soul is harmonized,
by the sounds that travel into me...
... but in the mean time...
It is entirely plausible that nothing said before has EVER plucked at my heartstrings in such a way as that. Never have I felt an identification with...
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When the storm is dying and the rain is done.
The composure of my soul is harmonized,
by the sounds that travel into me...
... but in the mean time...
It is entirely plausible that nothing said before has EVER plucked at my heartstrings in such a way as that. Never have I felt an identification with...
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"The knowledge that seeking the favor of another means the murder of self... silence speeds the path to the streams of solace that run so few and narrow."
This really made me think about my choice of actions up to now. Have I really spent my life trying to sell myself to other people? Under those pretenses there can't be any real satisfaction to be...
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This really made me think about my choice of actions up to now. Have I really spent my life trying to sell myself to other people? Under those pretenses there can't be any real satisfaction to be...
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chrysis:
The band was called [and I just looked this up] This Will Destroy You. All instrumentals, and none of the YouTube videos are like what I saw. The songs they performed were so driving and powerful. Ahh, but oh well. These are still cool and chill. Good driving music.
You aren't the first to mention Chino getting plastered on stage -- but this show, he only had a couple beers. He did get progressively more talkative, and at some point was yelling about .. fuck this, fuck that, I'ma fuckin' drink if I fuckin' want to, etc. Lol. No one was stopping him. And a really funny point was .. there was a bike rack just off-stage and during an intro to a song which I forget .. he was like "A bike rack?! A fucking bike rack -- are you fucking serious right now?! Who here was like I'm gonna ride my bicycle to the show tonight -- GET THIS THE FUCK OUT OF HERE." And then he screamed for the intro, in that really crazy high, like bloody murder way. But it just sounded so absurd, like he was so upset about the bike. I was giggling.
You aren't the first to mention Chino getting plastered on stage -- but this show, he only had a couple beers. He did get progressively more talkative, and at some point was yelling about .. fuck this, fuck that, I'ma fuckin' drink if I fuckin' want to, etc. Lol. No one was stopping him. And a really funny point was .. there was a bike rack just off-stage and during an intro to a song which I forget .. he was like "A bike rack?! A fucking bike rack -- are you fucking serious right now?! Who here was like I'm gonna ride my bicycle to the show tonight -- GET THIS THE FUCK OUT OF HERE." And then he screamed for the intro, in that really crazy high, like bloody murder way. But it just sounded so absurd, like he was so upset about the bike. I was giggling.
I have to be up for class in 6 hours. I haven't even showered after working this evening. At least not yet. I just have the most difficult time winding down after being at work in the evenings.
At any rate, fast or slow, ready or not... I'll get there all the same. It is a bit amusing to think back about all the times...
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At any rate, fast or slow, ready or not... I'll get there all the same. It is a bit amusing to think back about all the times...
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chrysis:
Not an intrusion at all -- I take that as quite a compliment [and not just because idiosyncratic is one of my favorite words]. It's my goal when I write to be as fluid and lucid as possible .. and the mess in my brain can sometimes come out in a scramble if there's no conscious filter. So it's nice to be appreciated in spite of this. :]
Just in the first few things you've written here -- I think we'll understand each other juuust fine. Fortunately or unfortunately. Baha. I have to be up for work at six, and am unshowered .. which I refuse to do that early in the mornings, so I should do it now? Though I am not a night-showerer. I have spent my whole evening pacing the house and doing various pointless things to unwind just to go back to work. Morning will smack me hard ..
So what do you do? Not work. But the winding down.
Just in the first few things you've written here -- I think we'll understand each other juuust fine. Fortunately or unfortunately. Baha. I have to be up for work at six, and am unshowered .. which I refuse to do that early in the mornings, so I should do it now? Though I am not a night-showerer. I have spent my whole evening pacing the house and doing various pointless things to unwind just to go back to work. Morning will smack me hard ..
So what do you do? Not work. But the winding down.
disynthetic:
Winding down? There are two answers. One which I used to do most all of the time, and the other which I attempt to do in order to trick myself into thinking I am maturing and becoming more responsible with age.
The former of the two things I do is to just occupy my attention until I pass out with exhaustion. In other words, I would just do whatever I wanted to do compulsively until I had to go to sleep (whether I wanted to or not). Essentially I let my compulsive tendencies wear me out until I had no choice. Whether it was "just one more TV show," or, "just one more chapter of this fantastic book," or--at my most irresponsible--"just one more drink." All of which commonly took place at the most irrational of circumstances with respect to my responsibilities the next day. My answer then? "I'll just have to do it anyway. Get through it. You're strong enough. And the side effects will teach you to not do this to yourself next time." It's a damn shame that the truly crazy people do not understand that if you do the same thing time after time, you will not get a different result, no matter how many times you do it--yes, I am definitely calling myself crazy, irrational, and inconsistent. Three things I don't necessarily appreciate in other people I find prevalent in myself. Maybe that's why we don't always get along with family, because they are very much like us in the ways which we don't like us... ourselves... er, hopefully you get the meaning.
The latter of the two things--which I have had a fair modicum of success with as of late--involves me forcing myself to "just do" the things that I consciously know are right and best for me (I'm getting better at it) and for others (this one tends to be easier for me, though I suspect the motivation is a selfish method of feeling better and more confident about the things I do).
I have always been a optimistic skeptic--the order of the wording is significant. It's been my natural tendency to paint things that I believe to be real, as real. But when most people would have realized they were wrong and that their ideal is not really real, that is when I become skeptical. I become skeptical about what they know. I think it's pish-posh (felt funny to say, but eh).
But these more recent ( I'm talking weeks and days, this change was slooowwwww, but cumulative nonetheless) times... winding down is really all about slowing yourself down. Tell your mind, "Now dammit, you have been going a mile a minute all day long. If you were one of my close friends I'd slap you because I thought you were having a fit of hysteria. Listen to yourself! It's 2am for crying out loud and I'm trying to get some peaceful sleep but you just WON'T shut the hell up because you LOVE the way your voice sounds. Is that it? Now go to sleep!"
I'm not going to even deny that I have dialogs with myself, much like that, on a daily basis.
It's actually kinda fun bossing yourself around, when it works.
And I don't care if I look silly doing it.
The former of the two things I do is to just occupy my attention until I pass out with exhaustion. In other words, I would just do whatever I wanted to do compulsively until I had to go to sleep (whether I wanted to or not). Essentially I let my compulsive tendencies wear me out until I had no choice. Whether it was "just one more TV show," or, "just one more chapter of this fantastic book," or--at my most irresponsible--"just one more drink." All of which commonly took place at the most irrational of circumstances with respect to my responsibilities the next day. My answer then? "I'll just have to do it anyway. Get through it. You're strong enough. And the side effects will teach you to not do this to yourself next time." It's a damn shame that the truly crazy people do not understand that if you do the same thing time after time, you will not get a different result, no matter how many times you do it--yes, I am definitely calling myself crazy, irrational, and inconsistent. Three things I don't necessarily appreciate in other people I find prevalent in myself. Maybe that's why we don't always get along with family, because they are very much like us in the ways which we don't like us... ourselves... er, hopefully you get the meaning.
The latter of the two things--which I have had a fair modicum of success with as of late--involves me forcing myself to "just do" the things that I consciously know are right and best for me (I'm getting better at it) and for others (this one tends to be easier for me, though I suspect the motivation is a selfish method of feeling better and more confident about the things I do).
I have always been a optimistic skeptic--the order of the wording is significant. It's been my natural tendency to paint things that I believe to be real, as real. But when most people would have realized they were wrong and that their ideal is not really real, that is when I become skeptical. I become skeptical about what they know. I think it's pish-posh (felt funny to say, but eh).
But these more recent ( I'm talking weeks and days, this change was slooowwwww, but cumulative nonetheless) times... winding down is really all about slowing yourself down. Tell your mind, "Now dammit, you have been going a mile a minute all day long. If you were one of my close friends I'd slap you because I thought you were having a fit of hysteria. Listen to yourself! It's 2am for crying out loud and I'm trying to get some peaceful sleep but you just WON'T shut the hell up because you LOVE the way your voice sounds. Is that it? Now go to sleep!"
I'm not going to even deny that I have dialogs with myself, much like that, on a daily basis.
It's actually kinda fun bossing yourself around, when it works.
And I don't care if I look silly doing it.
In Seeking Identity
I get so angry in the most volatile way, when I contemplate what I am. That is to say, what am I deep down at the barest essential. And my answer to myself, has come back as thus: I am a scared little boy, not more than 9, wanting to know, desperately, if I will survive. Zooming in so close, as close...
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xip:
i am constantly terrified that the shit is on the verge of hitting the fan.
xip
xip
about me. and maybe you.
Is it so absolutely necessary that we always surge forward? Towards the goal at the end of life. Haven't we enough excitement and good fortune during this time, to experience a hundred thousand new beginnings? We, as people, are never satisfied with what we have, it would seem. The constant searching for things we can acquire, things we can take,...
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Is it so absolutely necessary that we always surge forward? Towards the goal at the end of life. Haven't we enough excitement and good fortune during this time, to experience a hundred thousand new beginnings? We, as people, are never satisfied with what we have, it would seem. The constant searching for things we can acquire, things we can take,...
Read More
techno_ballerina:
you and your entries engross and intoxify me. i can't say that for many things these days.
i hope all is well.
i hope all is well.
What if:
A) some things are destined to failure
B) some things are never meant to be
C) someone never sees
D) someone never opens
E) somehow we are different
Though I never claimed to be right
Give to me the benefit of doubt
I brought you fires
That you put out
I brought you fires
For I cannot be without
I came with sadness...
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A) some things are destined to failure
B) some things are never meant to be
C) someone never sees
D) someone never opens
E) somehow we are different
Though I never claimed to be right
Give to me the benefit of doubt
I brought you fires
That you put out
I brought you fires
For I cannot be without
I came with sadness...
Read More
"It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so."
-Robert A. Heinlein
"I often dream of huge, numb buildings, jet-black sinister architecture being installed when nobody sees. Their appearance so sudden that few would take notice.
And when I wake up, I imagine being crushed by one--imagining it's...
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-Robert A. Heinlein
"I often dream of huge, numb buildings, jet-black sinister architecture being installed when nobody sees. Their appearance so sudden that few would take notice.
And when I wake up, I imagine being crushed by one--imagining it's...
Read More
How many times have your looked at yourself and felt mistreated.
All your life you been lead to believe you're nothing.
Just learn to trust;
look in my eyes
and I''ll guide you.
You can't ever know:
what it means,
what I say to you.
(chr.)
The pressure it brings
a long time, I know.
What I say to you:
take me, truth and hand.....
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All your life you been lead to believe you're nothing.
Just learn to trust;
look in my eyes
and I''ll guide you.
You can't ever know:
what it means,
what I say to you.
(chr.)
The pressure it brings
a long time, I know.
What I say to you:
take me, truth and hand.....
Read More
pseudobrilliance:
Hope you're well. I attempt to not feel mistreated. I feel like most of my problems are of my own creation. That doesn't mean I don't want someone else to come and fix them, though. That's my downfall.
How many times have you been put to the test?
How many times have you been mislead?
Your faith has been displaced
So many others willing to complace
Half a life away from a common discontent
The life it took from you to sigh
I had to give away
Forgetting the pact;
Lifesaving disarray.
Stone as cold believing;
Hope to getting nearer,
Can I start...
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How many times have you been mislead?
Your faith has been displaced
So many others willing to complace
Half a life away from a common discontent
The life it took from you to sigh
I had to give away
Forgetting the pact;
Lifesaving disarray.
Stone as cold believing;
Hope to getting nearer,
Can I start...
Read More
afakecolorred:
how true. I'm tired too♥
disynthetic:
How many times have your looked at yourself and felt mistreated.
All your life you been lead to believe you're nothing.
Just learn to trust;
look in my eyes
and I''ll guide you.
You can't ever know:
what it means,
what I say to you.
(chr.)
The pressure it brings
a long time, I know.
What I say to you:
take me, truth and hand..
The pressure, it brings
So little time, I know.
I can't take the pain,
to live again...
Open your heart and live again.
All your life you been lead to believe you're nothing.
Just learn to trust;
look in my eyes
and I''ll guide you.
You can't ever know:
what it means,
what I say to you.
(chr.)
The pressure it brings
a long time, I know.
What I say to you:
take me, truth and hand..
The pressure, it brings
So little time, I know.
I can't take the pain,
to live again...
Open your heart and live again.
10:48 AM
Long time coming, here is a review of things.
Being so busy with my job (not career :p), education, volunteer counseling, and music, there's so little time to write down the things bouncing around in my head. Every bit of time for myself (including music in this) is a stolen moment. A portion of some other effort's alotted energy.
Last night, and I...
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Long time coming, here is a review of things.
Being so busy with my job (not career :p), education, volunteer counseling, and music, there's so little time to write down the things bouncing around in my head. Every bit of time for myself (including music in this) is a stolen moment. A portion of some other effort's alotted energy.
Last night, and I...
Read More
lakuna:
dude i appreciate your feedback. in terms of what you've written in this entry i'm commenting on - maybe you could write about the details? the meta-analysis can be confusing even for a nerd like me. what's your job all about and what happened?
THAT .. was a blast from the past. Holy cow. Always weird to read those things.
But embarrassed? Nah. Though it's hard to say -- you're all the way at the beginning. Just how much -have- you read? Either way, I'm flattered at the placement, and I'll take it. :]
You, on the other hand, are killing me with this hourly-blog-rate .. if I have any chance of responding to the things that set off little flags in my mind.