Four of my really hot female friends just departed for Cancun. I was unable to secure a contract with the people who run the International Sex Trade despite the fact that I knew four hot American girls between the ages of 19-21 that were going down there, so I am actually quite upset. Four hot girls?! That could've been like $65 a week! I love residual income. I am going to try and remember the conversation I had with them. It is a bit flaky because we held it on a distant planet in another dimension, and the trip back fucked my memory up some.
Key players: Me, Fernando Cordano, my clone, a Mexican attorney, two aliens from the past.
Me: "I've...got... hoes."
Fernando: "From different..."
Clone: "No, unfortunately, not. Zip codes, though."
Attorney: "That could stunt negotiations a bit."
Me: (Pausing to think) "Me! Go get some girl from the Bronx."
Clone: "Right away, sir!" (vanishes into thin air)
(Long pause as we wait)
Me: "So, how's business?"
Fernando: "Eh, your stupid American media is raising awareness about this sort of thing. Profits are down 25 percent and we are running out of ways to keep soldier morale up."
Attorney: "Don't forget the lawsuits."
Fernando: "Yeah, those. They are ... como se dice..." (swings his finger around)
Me: (shaking head) "Fun?"
(wild laughter)
Fernando: "No, Gringo, not fun. Um...como se dice when you are annoyed."
Attorney: "Pesky!"
Fernando: "Yes! Pesky. They are pesky. I love that word."
Me: "Me too, I remember.."
(Big fucking crash. I, well, the OTHER I, have returned with a really hot girl.)
Me: "Finally! Where are you from, young woman?"
Girl: "The Bronx. What the fuck is going on?"
Clone: "Silence!" (turns to me, the real me) "She put up quite a struggle."
Me: (Noticing she looks like a whore) "Where are you from in the Bronx?"
Girl: "Riverdale."
Me: "What part of Riverdale?"
Girl: "Caryl Ave. Ya know... where are we.."
Me: "That's Yonkers, you fool! I hate you lying twits that claim the BX. She won't do. She is still 914. We need a new area code."
Fernando: "Cut her head off and sell it to the bowling alley! MWUHAHAHAHAH!"
Girl: (Strangely nervous now) "I lived in the Bronx when I was 1! I did! My uncle is from the Bronx!"
Me: "Halt! No need for violence. Take her back to Yonkers and get me a Bronx girl.... NOW!"
Clone: "Yes, sir!"
(They re-enter the time rift)
Fernando: "I see you deal with incompetence, too."
Me: "All the time, Freddy, all the..." (Loud crash) "What the fuck was that?"
(Two aliens dressed like 18th-Century Victorian gentleman burst through the door with atomic bomb cannons)
Alien 1: "We have located you Fernando!"
Alien 2: "Where is my daughter Meterda."
(I get up to leave)
Alien 1: "Sit tight Jon Favreau!"
Me: "Huh? I'm not him. I just sell bitches from Westchester County, NY, my man, err, whatever you are."
Alien 2: "It's true, I saw his commercial on Telemundo Ru'la'Lax."
Me: "See?"
Alien 1: "What do you got right now?"
Me: "Four hot girls, 19-21."
Alien 2: "Italian?"
Me: "Mostly."
Alien 2: "We'll pass, get out."
Fernando: "But what about me?!"
Me: "Fight well. See ya"
All that money down the fucking drain! Stupid aliens and area codes.
Key players: Me, Fernando Cordano, my clone, a Mexican attorney, two aliens from the past.
Me: "I've...got... hoes."
Fernando: "From different..."
Clone: "No, unfortunately, not. Zip codes, though."
Attorney: "That could stunt negotiations a bit."
Me: (Pausing to think) "Me! Go get some girl from the Bronx."
Clone: "Right away, sir!" (vanishes into thin air)
(Long pause as we wait)
Me: "So, how's business?"
Fernando: "Eh, your stupid American media is raising awareness about this sort of thing. Profits are down 25 percent and we are running out of ways to keep soldier morale up."
Attorney: "Don't forget the lawsuits."
Fernando: "Yeah, those. They are ... como se dice..." (swings his finger around)
Me: (shaking head) "Fun?"
(wild laughter)
Fernando: "No, Gringo, not fun. Um...como se dice when you are annoyed."
Attorney: "Pesky!"
Fernando: "Yes! Pesky. They are pesky. I love that word."
Me: "Me too, I remember.."
(Big fucking crash. I, well, the OTHER I, have returned with a really hot girl.)
Me: "Finally! Where are you from, young woman?"
Girl: "The Bronx. What the fuck is going on?"
Clone: "Silence!" (turns to me, the real me) "She put up quite a struggle."
Me: (Noticing she looks like a whore) "Where are you from in the Bronx?"
Girl: "Riverdale."
Me: "What part of Riverdale?"
Girl: "Caryl Ave. Ya know... where are we.."
Me: "That's Yonkers, you fool! I hate you lying twits that claim the BX. She won't do. She is still 914. We need a new area code."
Fernando: "Cut her head off and sell it to the bowling alley! MWUHAHAHAHAH!"
Girl: (Strangely nervous now) "I lived in the Bronx when I was 1! I did! My uncle is from the Bronx!"
Me: "Halt! No need for violence. Take her back to Yonkers and get me a Bronx girl.... NOW!"
Clone: "Yes, sir!"
(They re-enter the time rift)
Fernando: "I see you deal with incompetence, too."
Me: "All the time, Freddy, all the..." (Loud crash) "What the fuck was that?"
(Two aliens dressed like 18th-Century Victorian gentleman burst through the door with atomic bomb cannons)
Alien 1: "We have located you Fernando!"
Alien 2: "Where is my daughter Meterda."
(I get up to leave)
Alien 1: "Sit tight Jon Favreau!"
Me: "Huh? I'm not him. I just sell bitches from Westchester County, NY, my man, err, whatever you are."
Alien 2: "It's true, I saw his commercial on Telemundo Ru'la'Lax."
Me: "See?"
Alien 1: "What do you got right now?"
Me: "Four hot girls, 19-21."
Alien 2: "Italian?"
Me: "Mostly."
Alien 2: "We'll pass, get out."
Fernando: "But what about me?!"
Me: "Fight well. See ya"
All that money down the fucking drain! Stupid aliens and area codes.