An American Milestone: U.S. Elects First Orange President
Orange is the new Black on Capitol Hill as President Barack Obama will move aside for President-elect Donald J. Trump. In an historic election that baffled pundits, political analysts, and, well basically everyone out there, the Republican nominee destroyed Hillary Clinton once and for all. Every electoral vote cast for Trump fed his power in the waning...
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World Poised to Possibly Experience the Armageddon
It's the eve of Election Day and U.S. citizens both at home and abroad make last minute preparations to cast their ballot in what will undoubtedly be the most exciting - and possibly final - election in years to come. In the Blue Team's corner we have Hilary "Two-Face" Clinton who, despite having several scandals under her belt...
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School Systems to Implement Anti-Bully Programs; Pussies the Nation Over Breathe Sigh of Relief
With the recent suicides of two students less than a quarter year from one another, school systems both public and private are turning to security companies to combat bullying. On August 14th, a disgusting little fatbody from Staten Island named Daniel Fitzpatrick hung himself in his attic with a belt after...
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AMC Proves Only 29% of People Ready for Zombie Apocalypse
Warning: Contains spoilers for those of you living under bridges or in caves
Sunday night the American Movie Classics channel (AMC) aired its season 7 premiere of The Walking Dead, and proved to a majority of Americans that they are, in fact, a bunch of pussies. The much-anticipated episode, which pitted Team Negan against Team...
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jozsef:
Thank you for ridiculing this crap, old boy. Anyone still watching this formerly excellent show after the downward spiral of shoddy scripts last season is asking to be made a laughingstock. I think it truly crashed and burned in the egregious season ender with the cartoonish villain Negan so I'm not watching it because it is simply not the same show. Trash it with my blessing.
Trump May Have Secret Weapon, Untapped Voters
It comes as no surprise to many Americans that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump's campaign has tapered off from a high powered call for the country to return to greatness, and into a circus-y donkey show in Tijuana. Trump still only slightly lags in the polls against frontrunner Hillary Clinton, but a recent rally held in Durango, CO,...
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Second Presidential Debate: Clinton Grabs Trump by the Pussy
October 10th marked the second presidential debate for the 2016 election, and a record number of grabbed pussies by a former US Senate member. Much like the previous debate, Democratic nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton seemed to keep her cool as her opponent, the orange-haired man-child Donald Trump babbled on incoherently, and often off-topic.
Trump's campaign recently...
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Evidently Black Lives Don’t Yet Matter in San Diego
San Diego, CA – In the wake of shootings in Tulsa, OK and Charlotte, NC, which served as warnings to police that further violence against African Americans could lead to civil unrest, another African American man was shot and killed in El Cajon, a suburb of San Diego.
Police were dispatched to the Broadway Village Shopping...
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Man Eaten Alive After Using Wrong Pronoun
Oklahoma City, OK – An area man was swallowed whole by a… something after incorrectly addressing… it by… its favored pronoun of the week. Jerome Wilson, a 27 year old African American man, was waiting patiently at a bus stop when he noticed that Zara Pendleton, a 362 pound amorphous… thing that was born as a female right...
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jozsef:
You made me laugh. BTW, what say you about the premise that an adjective preceding a noun is a hateful racist slur but reversing the order and inserting the word "of" transforms the same words into the most respectful and loving phrase there can be? For my part, I play it safe and now get parts for my old car from the yard of junk. You probably think I'm kidding (which would mean you think I'm a racist. Watch it!)
Big Surprise, Banks Are Full of Douchelords
California based bank Wells Fargo faced the wrath of the Senate, this week, after reports of shady business practices over the last several years came to light. CEO, and amateur pig rectum pickling enthusiast, John G. Stumpf came head-to-head with the Senate Banking Committee, lorded over by Richard C. Shelby (R-Alabama). During the two hour exercise in verbal...
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jozsef:
That all sounds good.
2016 Emmys Most Diverse Ever; Rainbows, and Sunshine, and Shit
The 2016 Emmy Awards, held at the Microsoft Theater in Los Angeles, CA, marked the most diverse series of nominees in its 68 years of existence. The entire show left the crowd, both there and those at home, with a sickening sense of happiness and genuine delight. The host, Jimmy Kimmel – You remember, the...
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