After several months of hard negotiation, multimedia conglomerate Disney added 21st Century Fox, and many of its subsidiary companies, to its long list of acquired holdings.The final agreement took place on a deserted island off the coast of Jamaica. After signing the final contract, Bob Iger, chairman and CEO of Disney, dragged the dull blade of a ceremonial knife across his right palm, drawing a meager amount of blood.
“With this blood, I invoke the Rite of Sumai, to absorb your unholy essence into my own, and cleanse the world of your company,” he was noted saying, as he pointed at media mogul Rupert Murdoch.
Said an eye witness, “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! Rupert’s very soul tore itself from his body, and drove itself deep into the holy light cast by Bob. When it reemerged, it kind of looked like Elsa from Frozen.”
With the cleansing of Rupert Murdoch’s tarnished soul, and the acquisition of Fox’s major holdings (which include, but are not limited to: FX Networks, National Geographic, 16 religious streaming services that stream anal fisting videos directly to the offices of higher religious officials, and an additional 30% stake in Hulu), the green light has been given to incorporate “more Disney” into every aspect of the company. Already there are plans to do a Disney animated Aliens spinoff, where the evil Queen Alien attempts to subdue her daughter, Lieutenant Princess Ellen Ripley of the mining ship Nostromo. Instead of seven dwarves, she’ll be accompanied by seven United Systems Colonial Marine Corps grunts.
It has also been hinted that not only the Fantastic Four and X-Men franchises while be joining the “Marvel Cinematic Universe,” but that Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse themselves will be cast as superheroes in the same universe as the Avengers. Sources say that as soon as the deal went down, Kevin Feige, the producer behind the smash hit Marvel Movies done by Disney (and who reportedly has a Mikey Mouse tattoo on his left ass cheek), called an emergency session to have a post-credit vignette added to The Avengers: Endgame that will include nods to the Disney mainstays being brought into the MCU fold. The two will undoubtedly bring a much-needed child audience to the largely neck-bearded comic-loving adult community that currently follows the MCU.
There were, however, those who were not happy with the merger. Brian Roberts, CEO of Comcast, was reportedly angered that “the Mouse” outbid him on the acquisition.
“I will have the last laugh,” he told reporters as he cartoonishly twisted a mustache that doesn’t even exist. “Anyone who wants to stream Disney products on internet provided by my company will be met with download speeds straight out of the fucking 90’s! And then when they call our customer support to figure out why Star Wars: The Last Jedi keeps cutting out intermittently, and is dubbed over in poorly translated Cantonese, my customer support representatives will simply hang up on them after spitting into the receiver! Mwahahahahahahaha!”
The purchase of 21st Century Fox cost Disney $71.3 Billion and Bob Iger’s left testicle, which is the shape of a mouse ear hat, commonly sold at any Disney retailer.
In Other News:
An area man, Travis Schumacher, was determined to have the largest dong in a 20 mile radius due to the newly accepted penile length formula based on vehicle information created by Doctor Richard Schwanse out of Harvard University. The equation is as follows: x – y / (a + b - c)² = Dong Length, where x = Horsepower, y = How fast you drive it, a = Number of Engine Cylinders, b = Square Footage of the vehicle, and c = How Obnoxiously Loud the Vehicle is, measure in Decibels. After hearing of this new method for determining manhood size, Glorious Leader Trump exclaimed he had the biggest wiener in the world because he drives a Sherman Tank with a 27 cylinder engine with “so many horsepower,” and it’s “so loud it’ll knock the shit right out of your butt.”