deuteranopia

MTV Movie Awards Go Gender Neutral

In a bold move to promote gender equality amongst celebrities and other rich/elite, MTV (which is supposed to stand for “Music TV” but they no longer really play music videos) has upped the ante on their annual MTV Movie Awards show, ditching the old moniker, and now calling it the “MTV Televised Movin’ Pictures and Other Things Awards.”

Gone are the days of awards for “best actor” or “best actress.” Now the awards will be fought over by both men and women alike (or women who were once men, and vice versa). Even plantkin and otherkin will be running for what is now singularly referred to as “Best Movie Performer,” as Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2 will have a shot at the title.

In an effort to extend the show beyond the two hour mark, after cutting half of their once-gender-based awards out of the picture, MTV has included television shows into the fold. Movie and television awards will be contended over in separate categories, so as not to confuse movie stars with lowly television stars.

Because of the changes and additions, a myriad of exciting and new categories have been thrown into the mix. They include, but are not limited to:

“News Network Most Likely to Make You Throw Your Remote at the Television.” Fox News has this, hands down.

“Best Reality Television Show,” for which CNN’s The Lead with Jake Tapper is the top contender.

“Best Reality Television Show About the Hardships of Alaskan Crabbers.”

“Best Reality Television Show About Drunken Millennials With no Jobs Who do Nothing But Party, Fuck, and get STI’s.”

“Best Reality Television Show About Snooty Rich People Who Don’t Get Their Way,” in which My Sweet Sixteen is expected to take the prize.

“Television Series Most Likely to Make You Stop and Think: What in the Actual Fuck is Going on?”

“Best Rape-y, Incest-y, Fantasy/Sci-Fi Television Series.” Game of Thrones may have this in the bag, but Doctor Who is coming in close.

“Best Internet Video Where a Man or Woman is Violated by the Oversized Genitals of a Horse.”

“Best Raunchy Tween Movie Where Friends Make a Pact to Have Sex Before Graduating High School.”

“Best Dystopian Film with Unusually Attractive Cast Members who Once Played Lovers but Now Play Siblings,” in which Allegiant of the Divergent Series is expected to take home the bacon.

“Best Sci-Fi Movie that Isn’t Star Wars.”

“Best Sci-Fi Movie that IS Star Wars.” We firmly expect Rogue One: A Star Wars Story to carry this one home this year.

“Movie Most Likely to Make Your Face Leak Various Fluids.”

“Movie Most Likely to Make You Demand Your Money Back.” The top three contenders in this category are Independence Day: Resurgence, Max Steel, and Boo! A Madea Halloween.

“Craziest Actor/Actress-Turned-Director who Somehow Makes Incredible Films Despite Gratuitous Amounts of Gore… and the Fact that He/She is FUCKING CRAZY,” in which our money is on Mel Gibson for directing Hacksaw Ridge.

“Totally the Best Key Grip.” Our favorite is James Dougan.

The MTV Televised Movin’ Pictures and Other Things Awards will be hosted by Adam DeVine and airs on May 7th at 8 pm EST.