United Airlines Changes Business Model
In light of recent PR nightmares involving non-revenue passengers' dress codes and involuntarily removing passengers [with extreme prejudice] to make room for flight crews, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has declared they have changed their business model to become more attractive to a wider variety of possible passengers.
Said Munoz, "The changes we've made, which have already gone into effect, are giant leaps from the old model. We believe they will attract more business while simultaneously keeping our PR pants out of the fire."
The first change is believed to have stemmed from last month's boarding debacle regarding dress code for passengers flying non-revenue (for those not "in the know," non-revenue passengers are either employees flying standby, or family members flying standby). Two young girls were denied entry because their leggings didn't meet company rules for standby passenger attire. In the new business model, passengers are allowed to wear whatever they feel as long as they have any clothes on at all.
"They can be tatters that barely cover the most important bits, or just your underwear and nipple clamps, or you can wear a big, bulky coat that hides everything you might have strapped to your person," remarked Munoz. "We don't really fucking care anymore."
All ticket prices have been reduced 15%, and all baggage fees have been completely waived. Passengers will be allowed to check one bag and bring one carry-on item free of charge. Any other luggage they wish to bring will be immediately thrown in the trash after TSA screening, depending on which bag "seems more important." All luggage removed in this way will be given to charity for huge tax write-offs.
In another change, all babies or toddlers that the gate agent feels would be a nuisance to other passengers (e.g. they won't stop that god forsaken fucking wailing) will be tagged, checked, and thrown into a "playpen" in the forward storage compartments, which are typically soundproof, of any aircraft.
The fourth change is that all seats and overhead bins in both first class and coach have been completely removed from all United-flown aircraft.
"We believe this will make more room, overall, for passengers. We clearly already didn't give one flying fuck about your available leg room, so we just removed it completely."
Cargo nets have been installed to ensure that passengers don't spill into the aisle, and leave ample room for flight attendants to come by with the drink carts. The removal of the overhead compartments made way for a standardized "oh shit" bar to be installed, so that standing passengers can hold onto something other than the fat bald guy wedged in next to them. All safety belts, emergency exits, and floatation devices have also been removed.
The final, and probably most exciting change - which is believed to have been brought about by the incident last Sunday where a man was forcibly removed from the aircraft after being involuntarily selected for flight reassignment - is that only a certain number of passengers will be allowed into either section (first class or coach), and therefore must fight one another when overbooking (which will still be allowed) inevitably threatens their place on the aircraft.
All passengers, to include standby employees or family members, will be allowed onto the plane when boarding (all passengers will board at the same time). Once everyone is aboard, each section will hold their own separate Battle Royale. Anyone knocked unconscious will be removed until the plane has met capacity. Once the first round of fights has occurred, passengers in coach will be allowed to challenge first class passengers (who will have a Nerf padded floor, as opposed to coach's splintered, dry-rotting wood slats) for their station.
Experts believe the process will actually reduce boarding time by 22%, allowing for more flights to leave and arrive on time.
Concluded Munoz, "At United, we're not at all dedicated to the passengers, but we'll take your money in a heartbeat. And if our new low, low prices don't appeal to you, then you can fuck right off."
