deuteranopia

New Forms of Terrorism, New Countermeasures

Terrorism has taken its grim toll in the last few decades, and with its body count comes newer, more devious methods of exacting that toll. From suicide bombings to using airplanes as high-speed lawn darts, to vast amounts of liquid Syphilis dumped into civilian water supplies. Now soldiers and civilians in decadent, immoral Western filth-pig lands face a new threat: commercial-use drones.

ISIS and other known terror groups have hijacked thousands of small, commercially geared drones, and have used them to devastating effect. In one attack, airmen forward deployed to Afghanistan were on a regularly schedule 38 hour break, enjoying a hot day at the pool, and well away from the fighting action. A drone approached with what appeared to be an Amazon package. When sunglasses-clad Airman First Class Brian Piccolo opened the box, probably believing it to be his new Call of Duty game and two fresh grapefruit with which to masturbate into, he inadvertently set off a device that released a toxic gas cloud that made everyone in a one mile radius shit uncontrollably for 16.5 hours. This resulted in no air support for ground troops embattled by ISIS, as well as many raw, bloody assholes.

In another incident, a drone dropped an IED filled with a voracious strain of Gonorrhea into a foxhole manned by a mix of US Army soldiers and Turkish ground troops. The men all blamed that slut Katie, who dresses provocatively and always shows her tits off at the mess hall, as they pissed razors for a week.

To counter this new form of terror attack, US Armed Forces Intelligence groups have worked diligently to devise their own counter-insurgence methods. The most notable and oft-used is what the Army refers to as "Lures."

"Lures" come in the form of animatronic sheep and goats that send off pheromones when near enemy encampments. The allure of the pheromones is irresistible to any and all jihadist goat-fuckers, who will come out of the woodwork for a chance to practice their afterlife virginal fucking on the unwary beasts. Once penetration is made (only ½ an inch into any of several orifices), it triggers a switch, detonating the 30 pounds of C4 stuffed into the robotic sex machine's body.

Amazon Ltd has also been working with the military, after losing nearly a thousand of its own drones due to hijacking and open-seas piracy. They've now armed their drones with explosive devices. The drone will self-destruct if not given the proper command phrase. As the drones are available for commercial purchase, most likely in the use of new and exciting forms of pornography, the command phrase will be made available after registering the device. However, jihadists will find it difficult to disarm the drones, as the command phrase is, according to Amazon sales specialist Michael Grunwald, "to loudly denounce Allah and the Koran."

The new model drones will be available for sale, as well as flying deliveries for Amazon, late this Spring.

In Other News:
Joe "Jose" Torres and Kayla Norton, a pair of dickheads involved in an incident where they made physically threatening and racist remarks at an African American family attending their child's birthday party (Georgia, 2015), were sentenced to prison time this morning. Joe received 20 years with 13 of them in prison, while Kayla received only 15 years with 6 of those in prison after a tearful display of apology that moved absolutely no one. The judge assured the two fuckheads that they had nothing to worry about in prison, unless they feared rough, forced rectal entry at the cocks or broom handles of angry black men and women. In that case, they had plenty to fear.