deuteranopia

Breitbart Acquires Major Comic Book Company

As Walt Disney bought out Marvel Comics (and thusly Marvel Comics Studios, the movie division of the comic book company) back in 2009, the Breitbart News Network bought out the redundantly named D.C. Comics in an effort to push the conservative agenda, as well as promote newly appointed President Trump's ideology in a form they believe will be (according to editor-in-chief Alexander Marlow) "much more better" for younger crowds to absorb and understand.

D.C. Comics, which is also known as Detective Comics Comics (this isn't in error), was originally established back in 1939 by founder of National Allied Publications Malcolm Wheeler-Nicholson. D.C. is home to many cherished and beloved icons, such as Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, The Flash (or is it just Flash? We never liked the guy, so we don't care - too much cardio, in our opinion), Wonder Woman, Green Arrow, who's like a less-cool Hawkeye. D.C. is also responsible for such terrible cinematic anal fissures as Man of Steel, Batman vs Superman: Dawn of the Worst Movie Ever, and Suicide Squad, or as we call it B Squad: Guardians of the Galaxy Rejects, Take One.

With the acquisition complete, Breitbart writers and editors have already gone to work with rewriting the world of D.C. to closely mirror our own current political situation. The Joker from the Batman series of comics has been written in as the current President of the United States, and even given in to going bleach blonde like Oh Famously Orange and Delightfully Plump Leader Trump (heh, that rhymed - unintentional).

Said Breitbart's lead comic writer, Richard Lips, "We're really excited to have acquired this major comic book label. It gives us an opportunity to shell out top notch stories while also educating a younger crowd about our current political situation. Plus I get to write Wonder Woman how I see fit," Dick continued, awkwardly adjusting the small bulge in his pants.

Currently on the chopping block to be completely re-written are several mainstay books in the D.C. Universe: Batman, Superman, Martian Manhunter, and Wonder Woman.

Batman is currently being re-written as an older man who was once a politician (oddly looking much like Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders) and has taken up the Batman mantle to become a vigilante. His current agenda is less-heroic than the Batman you know and love, as he typically resorts to interrupting Senate and House meetings in a terrorist filibuster fashion.

Superman and his cousin, Supergirl, will be labeled as illegal aliens. They are to be shipped back to the remains of the ruined world Krypton, where they will remain until they can find a legal method of either defecting to the U.S.A. or immigrating through appropriate measures.

Fan favorite, J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter, will be renamed "The Space Muslim Manhunter from Mars." In his current series, it will be written that he becomes stranded at Dulles International in D.C., withheld under the Muslim Ban. He will eventually be taken into custody, thrown into a large rocket, and hurled into the sun by Chuck Norris.

Finally, the feminist icon Wonder Woman will be deported back to Themyscira, her home island, unless she submits to a "pussy grabbing of epic proportions" by our commander in chief. If she does not submit, a wall will be built around the ancient home of the Amazons, paid for by Queen Hippolyta herself.

The new changes to the comic series will go into effect at the beginning of April.