President Declares War. On Fashion
Seattle, WA. - F22 Raptor attack aircraft scream through the sky and circle the tower that houses the Nordstrom's headquarters. On the streets below, US Army Abram's tanks wrestle their way through the trenches dug into the roads. Explosions rock the area, knocking Humvees with .50 caliber machine guns around from side to side. Gunfire from every direction lights up the hazy street as Marines land in the Puget Sound with amphibious transports.
Donald Trump has declared war on Nordstrom's.
Earlier in the month, the famous clothing outlet announced it would be dropping Ivanka Trump's line of clothing for moderate-to-fairly attractive young girls who want to sleep with out-of-their-league football players and wealthy young black men.
Said Blake Nordstrom, co-president of the namesake company, "We couldn't see ourselves carrying Ivanka's clothing line anymore. The sales are falling flat, and we needed to make room for Jacobim Mugatu's Derelicte line of clothing for wealthy homeless men and women."
Ever the supportive lackey, top advisor Kellyanne Conway was quick to defend the president's daughter. "Don't drop her line. She's a champion of empowerment for women who wish they were born to billionaire playboys and the eastern European women who were too hot for them. Buying her clothes sends a positive message to young women everywhere that you can magically be less ugly in clothing sponsored by petulant rich kids whose fathers have skin thinner than onion paper."
Shortly after, Oh Glorious and Magnificent and Benevolent Great Leader himself publicly, and - of course - through Twitter, spoke out against the obviously communist company. "Refusing to buy my daughter's clothing line, or refusing to sell it in your stores, is a personal attack against me and the presidency." Continued Oh Great and Beautiful Orange Leader, "Also, buy hamburgers from Hardee's or Carl's Jr. Andy Puzder needs your vote and your money."
Despite obvious political and ethical implications behind the move, Oh Wonderful and Shiny Orange Bright Beautiful Leader Trump moved forward with his plan to attack the heart of the Nordstrom's Empire.
For 22 hours now, Seattle, the seat of the Nordstrom's Imperium, has been under siege. Tanks plow through rubble and over the irregularly well-dressed Nordstrom's soldiers. Apache helicopters rain fire on the tower itself, but are shot down by the well-placed anti-aircraft guns manned by models. The might of the US military is having difficulty taking down the family-owned and run business, and only time - and maybe a few well-placed B52 bombing runs - will tell who will emerge victorious.
In Other News:
Minneapolis, MN - Area man Eric Anderson, a breast augmentation quality control officer, sneezed, burped, hiccupped, farted, and ejaculated all at once. The phenomenon opened a wormhole and sent him to the 4th dimension. He was discovered last night - nearly three days after he went missing - naked in his bathtub eating a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese and rocking back and forth chanting "my anus wasn't prepared. My anus wasn't prepared."
More details as the story develops.
