A Triumph for the Willfully Dense
The wispy comb-over of our Great and Glorious Leader flapped wildly in a sudden darkening and fierce wind that picked up in the Oval Office as the proposed "Travel Ban" - codenamed Executive Order 66: Extreme Anal Vetting of Immigrants from Muslim-Heavy Countries - was signed into order. Like a proud three year old, our Commander in Chief held up the signed coloring book containing the Executive Order as if to desperately seek approval and say, "Look what I can do! I can also wipe my own ass! I can wipe my own ass!"
Friday's Executive Order was one of many oh Great and Magnificent Leader signed, during his first week of office, in an attempt to flood the House and Senate with a slew of unplanned laws and orders that he hopes will possibly confuse his checks and balances into accidently overlooking and passing something so obscene - such as a Muslim ban - that it would make Lady Liberty herself throw down her book and torch and march back to France shouting something about "goddamned conservitard fuckstains."
Thousands of living, breathing human beings were held in detention at international airports all over the US as a result of the Executive Order.
Said detained Iraqi, Muhamad Jamal Naveen, "I was visiting my family abroad and came back Saturday morning, only to be taken to a holding area for an undetermined amount of time. I'm 62.39% positive I left the door unlocked to my New York City flat, and 94.17% certain that my cat, Jihadi-Boomshakkalakka, will die of starvation if I am not released soon." Muhamad showed us a picture of said cat, and we do admit, he's pretty adorable in his little suicide bomber vest.
Many countries have viewed this bold travel ban with reactions ranging from skepticism to regret or astonishment.
Yemen Deputy Prime Minister Abdel-Malak al-Mekhlafi, whose name is wholly unpronounceable, said the ban was "not justified" and "supported terrorism, divisiveness, and a desire to pound racists' rectal cavities with a barb-wire wrapped baseball bat."
Said Turkish Deputy Prime Minister Mehmet Simsek, "We will gladly accept refugees or anyone currently banned in the US. Smoke dope! #420! Light up dem bluntz!" We used to know a guy named Mehmet in Turkey. He sold us kabobs and told the most amazing stories - the validity of which have yet to be disproven - about how he would go down on these old Turkish girls, but one time a girl farted in his face while he was "eatin' da pussy." The fart, he claimed, made him vomit into the woman's vagina. "I no longer eat da pussy," he would morosely finish his story with. Ah, good times. Good times.
Ahem, back to the article.
Don't let it be said, however, that the Neitzel News Network sees only one side of the coin. We took statements from several people just super duper excited about the inability for Muslims to freely enter our land of peace and tolerance.
"I do feel safer already," said 68 year old Dotty Rhea, a retired fatbody from rural Tennessee, the - as polled by 715 detained terrorists - area that is considered 7th least likely place in the US to be a target for a terror attack. "I definitely feel like I can get into my car, drive 213 miles to the nearest civilized town, and spend an hour or two at the salon having my foot fungus nibbled off by an underpaid 16 year old Korean girl without feeling like I might be the next victim of a suicide bombing."
Said Debbie Meiner, an inbred formerly-unemployed (under President Trump's last Executive Order) racist with as many teeth as a jack-o-lantern from the wild woodlands of West Virginia, "We're just thrilled with the ban! I mean, sure, there's never been an attack within 2,300 square miles of my home, but [President Trump] is sure going out of his way to make sure it stays that way, and that we remain a nation of safety!" After a brief disruption by the sound of a chainsaw hacking through something wet and meaty, Debbie continued, "Now Cletus, you've had your fun molesting those city folk who got lost on the river. Come up and say hello to the nice reporter before we take advantage of his virginal rectal cavity."
That was the last we heard of field reporter Rick O'Donnell.
The ban, which is still being hotly debated, is only a "temporary shield," which is expected to last for 120 day from signing.
In Other News:
Darryl Marks, a deathrow inmate in Texas convicted of pedophelia and running a child pornography ring, will executed tomorrow morning at 0600 hours, local. His final request before being put to death was to eat a child. Authorities are currently considering Barron Trump for the offering.
