Local Wizard Carries Grim Warning
Albuquerque, NM - Area man Lucius Fireborne, a purveyor of fine aborted fetal material and local wizard, came to KRQE broadcasting station with a grave message from the future:
“I have traveled through time,” he warns. “And found nothing but ruin and poorly made taco salads.”
Through an incantation that allowed Lucius to leap forward in time, he was able to get a glimpse at America’s future and even bring back a piece of technology to prove what he had seen. Around his wrist, he wore what he called an “omni-watch,” which provided holographic information like GPS, newspapers and magazines, and - most importantly - access to social media. Who better, Lucius believed, to check future Twitter feeds for than our soon-to-be-but-in-the-future president?
What Lucius discovered on Twitter horrified him.
The following are the twelve tweets we dug up from the petulant @realDonaldTrump that may cause the eventual collapse of American society by the year 2018.
1/21/2017: Pooty (@RealVladimir) visited WH to congratulate my inauguration. #PootyTang #MakeAmericaGreatAgain #RealBromance #YOLO
2/10/2017: Put a hit out on overrated actress @MerylStreep. #ThePrez can mock anyone he damn well pleases. #We'reComingForYou #YOLO
2/11/2017: Turns out @MerylStreep was with a dozen other Hollywood A-listers when the airstrike hit. #SorryNotSorry #IKilledStreep&Friends #YOLO
7/29/2017: Ratings are in - New Celeb Apprentice tanking. Guess I’ll off @Schwarzenegger, too. LOL. #We'reComingForYou #YOLO
9/2/2017: Hollywood pissing me off. Gave Cali permission to secede union. Nuking them tomorrow. LOL. #CalExit #NukeCali #YOLO
9/3/2017: Pooty (@RealVladimir) offered to nuke Cali for me. #NukeCali #RealBromance #That'sWhatFriendsAreFor #YOLO
9/4/2017: Trump Tower still makes the best taco salads. #LunchWithPooty #TrumpTacosRule #RealBromance #YOLO
1/20/2018: Nuked Mexico because it was cheaper and more effective than building wall. #PresidentialAnniversaryThings #YOLO
3/3/2018: Kim Jong Un made fun of my hair. 50k retweets and I’ll nuke North Korea. #Nukes4Everyone #TotallyNotThinSkinned #YOLO
3/3/2018: Only 2 hours and this really “blew up!” LOL! Every nuke we have sent to North Korea. Enjoy! #ByeByeNorthKorea #YOLO
3/7/2018: Turns out this is what Pooty wanted. He just sent every nuke he had at us. #BrokenHearted #BromanceBetrayal #StrategicalErrorsMade #PenceLooksLikeHankHill'sDad #YOLO
3/11/2018: Survived nukes. Now I look like Immortan Joe. Post-apocalyptic America, here I come! #SorryNotSorry #YouShouldHaveVotedBernie #HowIsTwitterStillWorking? #IStillLoveYouPooty #YOLO
Lucius was discovered later the following day, hanging from his ceiling fan, wearing a sign with several Twitter hashtags: #SaveYourselves #NotMyPrez #Bernie4Life #WitnessMe #YOLO
Lucius Fireborne was 47.
