deuteranopia

World Poised to Possibly Experience the Armageddon
It's the eve of Election Day and U.S. citizens both at home and abroad make last minute preparations to cast their ballot in what will undoubtedly be the most exciting - and possibly final - election in years to come. In the Blue Team's corner we have Hilary "Two-Face" Clinton who, despite having several scandals under her belt already, appears to be the political "voice of reason," and is widely considered to be the most qualified for presidency. In the Red Team's corner, fighting for team GOP, is the orange-faced, wispy-haired, dick-lipped, misogynistic, xenophobic, baboon-sired Donald J. Trump whose combined zero years of political experience have somehow netted him nearly half of the electoral vote.

Citizens all across the U.S. are experiencing strange occurrences that, until now, weren't considered to be tied to the election. With every electoral vote that converts a state from Hilary's favor to Trump's, a new dark tiding approaches. In Utah, denizens' crops were annihilated by swarms of orange locusts shouting "you know it, I know it, everybody knows it!" In Iowa, livestock spontaneously grew large, seemingly-fake tufts of blonde hair and developed festering boils, all the while bellowing "wrong!"

Said terrified Georgian Daryl Drathers, a postage stamp adhesive specialist, "One minute my son, Daryl Jr, and I were out fishing naked and totally not looking at each other's junk or anything, and the next, the river turned bright red - like blood - and the fish started jumping out of the water shouting 'grab them by the pussy!' before dying ashore."

As discussed back in May (Volume 37, Issue 3: Trump Named Herald of the Apocalypse), Donald Trump has the backing of Satan himself, and while he eluded us last time around, we were able to catch up to old Lucifer and overhear a few words on camera before he spirited himself back to the Abyss: "Mwahahahaha! When that orange-faced ass becomes president, the world will be mine. Diablo will take North America, Mephisto can have the whole Eastern Seaboard and Europe, Baal can play with South America and Antarctica, while the rest of my lesser demons can do what they wish with those little Asian countries and Russia!"

On the other side, Hilary has abandon Satan's aid in favor of siding with the Lord of Light. After burning several of her most devout followers alive -- with the aid of a red priestess of R'hllor -- she has made several marked gains in swing states like Florida and North Carolina. Will the sacrifices to the Lord of Light be enough to keep the dark pall from the shining red, white, and blue of America? Only election night will tell. And the election night is dark and full of terrors. And hanging chads.

In Other News:
Janet Reno, the first ever transgender "woman" to become U.S. Attorney General died after a long battle with Parkinson's disease. He-she collapsed died while making martinis - shaken, not stirred - for guests at her dinner party. Friends stated Janet "made the best martinis and was a wizard with the tambourine." He-she was 78.