AMC Proves Only 29% of People Ready for Zombie Apocalypse
Warning: Contains spoilers for those of you living under bridges or in caves
Sunday night the American Movie Classics channel (AMC) aired its season 7 premiere of The Walking Dead, and proved to a majority of Americans that they are, in fact, a bunch of pussies. The much-anticipated episode, which pitted Team Negan against Team Rick-Glen-Rosita-Daryl-Maggie-Abraham-Eugene-Sasha provided a grim, realistic view of the sadism that might occur in a post-apocalyptic, zombie infested America. Team Negan beat down Team RGRDMAES in the double-header when Lucille cracked back-to-back home runs against pitchers Abraham and Glenn. Or maybe they were catchers, as they certainly did a wizard job of catching a baseball bat with their faces.
To a few, nothing was more satisfying than hearing the sickening thud of a wet, meat-chunk covered baseball bat slamming again and again into Abraham's thick skull. Oh, we liked Abraham, all right, but the value of entertainment and storytelling is not lost on us. We here at the N3 were a little more shocked when the tables turned and took out one of the more beloved characters of the series, as Glen was struck and his eyeball nearly popped out of his head. But we laughed. Let's face it, this is first time those narrow little eyes have been able to see so much.
To the rest of the country, the episode did much to prove who has, or in most cases doesn't have, the moxie to survive the zombie apocalypse. If you couldn't stomach the death of a mainstay character like Glen or Abraham, you're probably too much of a pussy to live out the hardships of a world infested by the undead and governed by Darwinian sadists. These people were voted by our staff as "most likely to end up zombie fodder or anally raped by hillbilly survivalists with fully automatic assault rifles, Gimp suits, and glass-shard covered dildos."
Tweeted one gaping vagina with the online handle "RideMyMustacheAbraham": "I'm DONE w/ TWD. Can't handle a world w/out Abe's mustache."
Another horrified tit-baby with the stud magnet internet moniker "GiveMe_Yuen'sSeed" blogged on Tumblr: "I can't believe [AMC] thought this would be good television. Don't kill my favorite character! The apocalypse would never be like this! People are generally good. It'll be all rainbows and unicorns, not psychos beating each other senselessly with barb-wire baseball bats. Name one other thing Steve Yuen stars in! Name it!"
The internet was abuzz with talk of abandoning the show to watch happier fare after the loss of two fan-favorites. The show opener received its lowest ratings since Season One, but that's not deterring writers and producers. The staff is standing by their work and exclaiming that it won't get any prettier.
Said Robert Kirkman, creator and producer of the comic book and show, "If you pussies don't stop complaining, I'm gonna kill off Daryl and Rick, too. I'll leave fucking Carl alive, because I know how much you love that little shit. And then I'll write him in as a homosexual with a predilection for older men with beards, and a severe case of Stockholm syndrome. So shut your goddamned shit spewers."
Season 7 Episode 2 airs this Sunday on AMC, 10/9 CST.
