Evidently Black Lives Don’t Yet Matter in San Diego
San Diego, CA – In the wake of shootings in Tulsa, OK and Charlotte, NC, which served as warnings to police that further violence against African Americans could lead to civil unrest, another African American man was shot and killed in El Cajon, a suburb of San Diego.
Police were dispatched to the Broadway Village Shopping Center when they responded to a 911 call claiming a black man was “acting erratically” in the area. Two officers (whose names haven’t yet been released, but we’ll call them “Officer Doofy” and “Deputy Droopy”) arrived on scene to discover the perpetrator (whose name has also been withheld, but we’ll refer to him as “Malcom Jamal Darealyst Jackson”) had his back turned and was flailing his arms about furiously in a back and forth motion.
“I shouted to him ‘yo, uh… homie. Freeze!’ but Malcom Jamal Darealyst Jackson failed to comply,” Officer Doofy tells us. “So we drew our weapons. I drew my service pistol, and Deputy Droopy drew his Taser.”
Said Deputy Droopy, “He was a scary looking dude. He was dressed all in leather straps with spikes, and had on a mask that seemed to cover his whole face. He groaned something out loud. Officer Doofy and I believed, at that point, that he might have been on drugs. He turned and brandished something, which kind of looked like a weapon, at us in a threatening way.”
“It was then,” Officer Doofy interrupted, “that we saw he was wearing a ball gag, had an erection, and was howling something unintelligible at us. After repeated warnings to drop his weapon and raise his hands in the air were ignored by Malcom Jamal Darealyst Jackson, Deputy Droopy and I had no choice but to open fire.”
Deputy Droopy fired first, striking Malcom Jamal Darealyst Jackson square in the forehead with his Taser nodes. Officer Doofy followed up by firing six to ten lethal shots from his service pistol into Malcom Jamal Darealyst Jackson’s face, chest, and abdominal area. The two officers then proceeded to launch tear gas at the victim, don their gas masks, and engage him in hand-to-hand combat. Officer Doofy suffered a small bruise on his left leg in the melee when Malcom Jamal Darealyst Jackson struck him with a flailing genital. Once subdued, the officers administered lethal injections into Malcom Jamal Darealyst Jackson’s ocular cavities and throat.
“When all was said and done, we discovered Malcom Jamal Darealyst Jackson wasn’t wielding a gun,” Officer Doofy admits. “He had a giant floppy purple dildo. In hindsight, we think dispatch may have misinterpreted the 911 call. Maybe she meant the suspect was ‘acting erotically,’ not ‘acting erratically.’”
The dispatcher in question and the recorded 911 call are being investigated. Should the suspicions about the call be true, the dispatcher will be charged with involuntary manslaughter.
In Other News:
A young woman was attacked in a cemetery while visiting the resting place of her mother. Tabitha Swanson, a groundhog shadow interpreter out of Eureka Springs, Arkansas, was assaulted by a werepenis at the Shady Oaks town cemetery.
A werepenis, or lycanthrob, is an undead aberration, roughly the size of a large dog. They’re known to hunt alone during the night time, but retreat to underground lycanthrob communities during the daytime. On a night with a full moon, especially “the Beaver Moon,” which occurs in November, it is not uncommon to find large groups of werepenis, as nights with full moons are held sacred to the lycanthrob. The Beaver Moon night, however, is when the lycanthrobs’ mortal enemy, the werepussy (or lycantwat), is known to hunt. Often clans of each will have furious battles during The Beaver Moon.
Tabitha recalls her harrowing encounter. “I was terrified! One second I’m weeping over the grave of my mother, the next I’m being pinned by the heavy glans of a werepenis. Its meatus was lined with teeth and oozing some viscous liquid. Thankfully my mother always told me to carry Herpes spray.”
This is the fifth lycanthrob attack in Eureka Springs in two months.