Man Eaten Alive After Using Wrong Pronoun
Oklahoma City, OK – An area man was swallowed whole by a… something after incorrectly addressing… it by… its favored pronoun of the week. Jerome Wilson, a 27 year old African American man, was waiting patiently at a bus stop when he noticed that Zara Pendleton, a 362 pound amorphous… thing that was born as a female right here in the heartland, but now identifies as several pronouns we don’t even know, had dropped a five dollar bill out of… its pocket.
Being a good Samaritan, he hailed… it as “miss” and attempted to return the fallen cash. Zara retaliated by snarling loudly prior to unhinging its jaw and swallowing Jerome whole.
“She… or… zie… or whatever the hell it calls itself shouted at Jerome calling him a ‘cis male fuck pig,’” recalls Vanessa Melgar, who pre-chews food for orphaned birds, and was witness to the crime. “Then she started shouting out gender neutral pronouns no one has ever heard before. Oh no, I called ‘zer’ a ‘she.’ Zie isn’t nearby, is zie?” Vanessa fled from the interview, fearing for her own life.
Our reporter in the field, Patrick Webb, was able to record part of a baffling monologue as Zara was carted off to jail for booking:
“That cismale shitstain had it coming! Fucking entitled cisethnic shitlord didn’t check his privilege before addressing me! You need to know I change my pronouns every week, and this week I’m identifying as transethnic, demiboy, zy, zym, polykin! I’m a demiromantic. DEMI-FUCKING-ROMANTIC, you cispronoun spouting gender enslaving fuckfaces! I hope you die!”
Even with the power of Google at our fingertips, we were only able to partially translate the beast’s message. We believe the creature intended to tell us it was someone who identifies as an ethnicity that isn’t its own, is not, but also isn’t not a boy, holds a kinship with… something other than human, and is a giant dildo for making up pronouns that don’t actually exist in any language.
At press time, Zara was being strung up by the jaw like a shark, and having its belly cut open for the county medical examiner to investigate the monster’s eating habits and hopefully bring closure to the Wilson family. Also within the aberration’s belly was found three human babies, several out-of-state license plates, the lights off a highway patrol cruiser, and the remains of Jimmy Hoffa.
In Other News:
It turns out those little crucifixes you see on the side of the street do NOT mark the graves of squirrels that unsuccessfully crossed roads. I was wrong. That whole 700 word, three page article I was about to publish on that subject is wrong.
