Big Surprise, Banks Are Full of Douchelords
California based bank Wells Fargo faced the wrath of the Senate, this week, after reports of shady business practices over the last several years came to light. CEO, and amateur pig rectum pickling enthusiast, John G. Stumpf came head-to-head with the Senate Banking Committee, lorded over by Richard C. Shelby (R-Alabama). During the two hour exercise in verbal ass-fisting, Stumpf repeatedly apologized for the unethical behavior of his employees and himself.
“I… I’m really sorry,” he sniveled, unconvincingly before the panel of Senate members dressed all in black leather Gimp suits and wielding whips and chains.
Capitol Hill, however, was having none of it.
“Strumpf should resign,” recited Senator Elizabeth Warren (D – Massachusetts). “He should resign, give back the money that customers lost, face a criminal investigation, and then let the Banking Committee have their way with his anus,” she shouted, making a fist-thrusting motion in the air.
Between 2011 and 2016, Wells Fargo fired roughly 5,300 employees for taking part in a scheme that created over 2 million fake accounts and signed members up for unnecessary services, all to meet the bank’s aggressive sales goals. Those employees daring to blow the whistle on their higher-ups were terminated and denied anal retread in their severance.
“It’s not a place where you keep your money anymore, it’s just another big business” sighs Marlon Vogel, an inch worm measurer from Fayetteville, Arkansas. “I created a savings account with them and they used my modified information to create one of these ghost accounts, as well as sign up for services I’ve never heard of. Why would I ever need a four and a half foot tall Mexican to come to my house every month to smuggle glitter-covered $1 bills in his anus to an off-shore account in the Caymans?”
Mister Vogel is just one of the millions who have had their information used to sign up for more accounts or strange, rarely heard-of bank services. Pachyderm racing expert Susan Mills discovered that her name was used to create one of the sham accounts two years after she moved assets from one of her Wells Fargo accounts into an IRA.
“I was at home, enjoying a high colonic when the doorbell rang,” she recalls. “It was a Wells Fargo representative accompanied by a crew of fried chicken fast food employees hauling buckets of fry batter filled with blue methamphetamine. Apparently they do business with a man named Gus Fring, and my name was signed up to be a drug mule for their legitimate business hauling illicit materials.”
After two hours of sniveling, groveling, and repeated rectal breaches before Senate members of the Banking Committee, Strumpf was stripped naked, beaten with a wooden paddle, and forced to remove the cobwebs from Senator Warren’s dusty uterus using only his teeth and tongue. As of yet, there is no scheduled criminal investigation.
In Other News:
In light of the two recent shootings of African Americans (Both in Tulsa, OK and Charlotte, NC), U.S. Law Enforcement agencies the nation over are taking a drastic approach to training cadets about proper apprehension protocol before allowing them to take to the field.
“We’re trying something new,” reports Commissioner Gerald T. Ardmore. “Every cadet will now be required to attend a radical new training course called ‘I Will Not Shoot Black People.’” The course will put cadets in virtual reality scenarios involving black people not actually committing crimes. For each black person shot in these scenarios, a hit squad will kill one member of that cadet’s immediate family. If that cadet runs out of family members, they are washed out of the Police Academy.
