Oxford English Dictionary Reaching Capacity
Editor’s Note: This article has been modified to simplify the material for a wider audience. The sections in bold print are for your benefit, and may be skipped over by the more intelligent bipeds (biped – Noun: An animal that uses two legs for walking)to expedite (ekspəˌdīt – Verb: Make (an action or process) happen sooner or be accomplished more quickly) the reading of this medium. In other words, the staff thinks you’re stupid.
Every year, pretentious (prəˈten(t)SHəs – Adjective: Attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed) shit stains the world over submit invented (inˈvent – Verb: Create or design (something that has not existed before); be the originator of) words to be added to the Oxford English Dictionary. Between the Oxford Reading Programme (prōˌɡram (British: programme) – Noun: A set of related measures, events, or activities with a particular long-term aim) and the Oxford English Corpus, most of these horrid submissions are thrown to the wayside. However, these entities (ˈen(t)ədē – Noun: A thing with distinct and independent existence) do consider outside sources such as social media, entertainment, and other popular culture (ˈkəlCHər – Noun: The arts and other manifestations of human intellectual achievement regarded collectively) when making their decisions, and terrible additions are oftentimes made.
Because of the number of inane (iˈnān – Adjective: Silly; stupid) and asinine (ˈasəˌnīn – Adjective: Synonymous to inane) entries, the dictionary itself is reaching capacity. The overpopulation is forcing words that have been in the Dictionary since Jesus (the original author, according to many Republicans) out on the street to be homeless or, worse, euthanized (yo͞oTHəˌnīz – Verb: Put (a living being, especially a dog or cat) to death humanely). There are currently 171,476 full entries, with roughly 9,500 derivatives (dəˈrivədiv – Noun: Something that is based on another source) and subentries, making for over 180,000 entries, with more being added each year.
When the number reaches 200,000, uncommon (ənˈkämən – Adjective: Out of the ordinary; unusual) and lesser used words will be thrown out, like the trash, with little or no warning. Some of the words on the chopping block to be dispensed of are:
Pulchritude: (ˈpəlkrəˌt(y)o͞od) Noun - Beauty
Mendicant: (mendəkənt) Adjective - Given to begging
Petrichor: (peˌtrīkôr) Noun - A pleasant smell that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm, dry weather
Detritus: (dəˈtrīdəs) Noun - Waste or debris of any kind
Jackanapes: (jakəˌnāps) Noun - A cheeky or impertinent person
These are just five of the words (out of thousands) that, if not taken care of, run the risk of being pushed aside for vacuous (vakyo͞oəs – Adjective: Having or showing a lack of thought or intelligence; mindless) dross (drôs – Noun: Something regarded as worthless; rubbish) such as the following:
Vom: (väm) Verb – Literally a word for assholes too lazy to say the word “vomit” in its entirety
Awesomesauce: (ôsəmˌsôs) Adjective: Not a sauce that is/was tasty; rather some bullshit a bunch of neckbeards on the Internet started saying in place of “cool,” “great,” or “rad.”
Slacktivism: (slaktəˌvizəm) Noun: A word made up to describe the not-actually-activist actions of fat, wispy-haired basement dwellers.
Moobs: (muːbz) Noun: Saggy man-tits. You read that correctly.
YOLO: (yōlō) Abbreviation: A shortening of “You Only Live Once” created by the “musical artist” known as Drake, who was too stupid to pronounce the term “Carpe Diem,” which, in its core meaning, is really the same thing, only much cooler sounding. The phrase caught on with mentally handicapped (i.e. American youth) children and is commonly “hashtagged” on social media.
Hashtag: (haSHtaɡ) Noun: It’s a fucking POUND SIGN, you retards! These existed well before 2008.
We here at the N3 humbly (həmblē – Adverb: In a way that shows or suggests a modest or low estimate of one’s importance; meekly) implore (imˈplôr – Verb: Beg someone earnestly or desperately to do something) you, the American people, to stop! Stop creating such preposterous (prəˈpäst(ə)rəs – Adjective: Contrary to reason or common sense; utterly absurd or ridiculous) words to add to the Dictionary. We’ve got enough problems in the world without adding “scrumdiddlyupmtious” as a viable (ˈvīəb(ə)l -- Capable of working successfully; feasible) English word, while making fantastic words like “Syllabification” (səˌlabəfəˈkāSH(ə)n – Noun: The division of words into syllables, either in speech or in writing) homeless and destitute (ˈdestəˌt(y)o͞ot – Adjective: Without the basic necessities of life). Just. Fucking. Stop.
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