N3 Exclusive: Star Wars Episode VIII Plot Leaked!
The much-anticipated follow-up to the wildly popular Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens has finished filming and begins its post-production debut in the editing room this week. Despite being so close to having a finished product, director Rian Anderson (Looper and various episodes of Breaking Bad) is staunchly sticking to the near-Christmas of 2017 release for the film, maintaining the illusion that it takes more than twelve people, 38 cases of Mountain Dew Code Red, and a combined total of 21 hours of sleep (between the dozen of them) in a two week period of time to properly edit a movie (Just look at such hits as Freddie Got Fingered and Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace). Because of the wait time, a successful attempt at theft of the raw movie footage was made last night.
Supernerd Tommy Gilmore and three of his frail, allergy-riddled, asthma inhaler-armed dork friends made an epic, and successful, attempt to brave Lucasfilm LTD security. George Lucas, the creator of the Star Wars series, is notorious for having tight security. Since the days of Fan Boys, security has been a top priority for Lucasfilms. Some of the obstacles would-be thieves must face include, but are not limited to: Stormtroopers with actual accurate aim armed with Blas-Tec blasters, a wampa cave, a hallway with pressure plates that drop thermal detonators from the ceiling, and, of course, a rancor pit.
Tommy recalls the final harrowing moments of their theft. “We’d just made it through the womp rat nests and the dianoga marsh when we found the golden vault labeled ‘VIII.’ Poor Reggie was the first one to approach it, and he was fried by a lightning blast from the sith lord that guarded it. His sacrifice allowed us to escape with the footage. We could hear him shouting ‘Run, Tommy, run!’”
Tommy lost an arm to the dark jedi during the melee.
The brave dork and his [remaining] friends posted the most notable findings on internet forum reddit.com. Spoiler alert!
The movie starts with Luke training Rey, and the apparition of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker returning to offer sage-like advice, much to the delight of no one ever. At the same time, Adam Driver’s Kylo Ren is being trained by his own dark master, while Han Solo reappears as a ghost that constantly calls him a pussy, driving the tormented Ren to be even more dreamily emo.
Meanwhile, Lando Calrissian returns to square off against the lovable FN2187 (TRAITOR!) for the rights at being the token black guy. There’s dissent among the remaining Resistance soldiers, which causes Leia to send Finn to Luke’s location to bring him and Rey back and mend the wounded cause. Finn and Rey seem to have some on-screen chemistry, but it’s soon squashed by a scene with Poe Dameron and Finn going at it Brokeback Mountain style.
Eventually, Supreme Leader Snoke is revealed in person, and it is discovered that he is two and a half feet tall, and the long lost brother of Maz Kanata, the blind, diminutive bar owner from the last movie who had an unnerving amount of information about the Force and other goings-on in the galaxy. Snoke, however, isn’t alone in his dark side-ness. He is but a pawn to a higher power, the sinister Darth Plagueis, who was referred to in Episode III. Darth Plagueis winds up being the reincarnated Jar Jar Binks. “Yousa be feelin’ da powah of da dahk side nowsa!”
In the end, Rey, Luke, and Leia overcome Snoke with their combined Force prowess. They turn Kylo Ren back to the Light Side and set their eyes on Plagueis. Before the credits roll, Luke and Leia take off their skins and reveal themselves to each be four ewoks in human suits.
The yet unnamed episode is slated to hit theaters in December of 2017, and is hoped to top the charts over its predecessor.