Area “Tweeter” Threatens to Delete Account, Hang Self
Area man Michael Hunter Jefferson (a.k.a. @MikeHuntJeff on Twitter) has threatened deletion of all forms of social media if he “doesn’t get one follower by the end of the week.” In an era of sharing every facet of one’s life on social media sites (such as Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram), television and movie celebrities, sports icons, and various Internet sensations dominate the Web, leaving fat, depressed nerd-dorks like Michael on the wayside. Mike, a 29 year old neckbeard who lives in his mother’s basement, is fed up.
“I’ve been live-tweeting funny cat memes, ironic movie quotes that reference actual events, and hash-tagging celebrity nip-slips for weeks now, and still don’t have a single follower!” cried the outspoken loser.
Michael, whose Internet presence is shadowed by new celebrity couples, like Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston, Game of Thrones memes, videos of Japanese girls shitting in public, and accounts held by courageous cripples who can’t even type, has threatened to hang himself and record it as a Vine movie, post it to Twitter as a live feed, then delete all forms of social media as he dies a slow, agonizing death should no one follow him by week’s end.
According to our experts here at the N3 (Neitzel News Network), Michael does, in fact, have one friend on social media site MySpace, named Tom Anderson. When pressed about this blatant lie in regards to existing Internet friendships, Michael simply replied with, “Tom is automatically your ‘friend’ on MySpace! He doesn’t fucking count!” We agreed to disagree.
“If I have to see one more of my re-tweeted fan-drawn pictures of Daenerys Targaryen being raped by her black dragon get shared by someone else, and that person doesn’t follow me, I’m going to lose my shit!” continued Michael.
At press time, Michael was discovered hanging from his ceiling fan by a homemade noose, pants filled with fresh excrement, live-tweeting his suicide with the hashtags #fuckmylife, #watchmedie, #goodbyecruelworld, #ronpaulforlife, #911wasaninsidejob and #YOLO!. He now has 7.3 million followers.
In other news:
The black box from Egypt Air’s Flight 804 that crashed over a month ago has been discovered. After a review of the flight data recorder’s contents, experts came to the conclusion that it was not an act of terrorism that brought down the Airbus A320 aircraft and its 88 passengers. Instead, it was discovered that the copilot had been giving the captain a blowjob and the plane crashed into the Mediterranean upon climax. No survivors were found.